Cycopaths

Is this the face of a champion? (NSFW)

2008-02-13T17:45:00.009-05:00

If your first thought in seeing the picture above is, "DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!?", you're not alone, that's all I gotta say. Well that and close your browser before your boss sees what's on your screen.No, that's not the Zodiac killer, it's Cadel Evans. Looking odder than ever at the Team Silence Lotto presentation, he suddenly finds himself elevated by the ASO to Tour favorite. What's

Who needs makeup when you can have an Orca?

2008-02-12T00:02:00.000-05:00

Clinique boardroom wall, unknown photographer.I'm never, ever leaving home again without my CR1. Seriously! Carbon fiber is the new black. Or something. Those ten pounds the camera adds? Gone with CF. Blemishes and zits? Poof! they are no more. Is your ass in danger of dragging on the ground? Nuh-uh, not with a plastic bike. Just ask Eva Longoria. Why would she ever go out without her

Frank Schleck is a homo...

2008-02-11T23:27:00.000-05:00

Feeling uncomfortable, Frankie?...phobe. In a curiously unattributed Competitive Cyclist article full of deep truths such as "do not think a group ride of Cat 3's is anything like a pack of pros", Frank Schleck is shown, nay, put on display for having problems with man love. Frank takes issue with being called a "faggot" by a passing jackass motorist. A pro cyclist, someone who rides 20,000

Don't call it a comeback

2007-11-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, the Cycopaths are back. And when I say "Cycopaths", I mean platogrande. And when I say back I mean "for now". You may be wondering what happened to us? Were platogrande's Catalan origins discovered while in Madrid, leading to months of torture in a cellar under la Puerta del Sol? Was Mr. 60 rubbed-out by an elite Team CSC tactical unit? (as a team-building exercise, of course).Alas, the

T-Mobile hangs-up

2007-11-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

No more Euros for you, foo'!T-Mobile today said to cycling today, "we r thru". Yes, the multinational megatelco that shrugged off Sergui Gonchar (or is it Honchar?) and Jan Ullrich doping scandals apparently found young Patrick Sinkewitz' transgressions to be too much. The question that remains is, was it the EPO or the testo that did it? Seriously, if Sinkewitz had only done one or the other,

Cadel still isn't going to win

2007-07-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

It has been suggested on these very pages that perhaps I don't like Australians. That's not true, at all. However, I admit to being pleased to see Cadel Evans doing his thing: hanging around but not winning anything (unless, of course, Vino is formally stripped of his TT win for being a doper). Why does the sight of Cadel admirably hanging on then getting dropped like a bad habit make me feel

Deutschland Uber Doping

2007-07-18T09:18:00.001-04:00

Today's "oh snap" moments come to us courtesy of T-Mobile's Patrick Sinkewitz. Not only did the former Tour of Germany winner put a 78 year old Tour fan into a coma with his teeth (how does that happen?), but now reports are coming out that he's just like everybody else a doper. That's right, another positive testosterone test. The result? German TV is done with le Tour. Never mind the fact

VDB: Patron Saint of Teh Cycopaths

2007-07-13T10:22:00.001-04:00

What's that, Bill? Here. Let me roll that for you.Nothing concerning VDB surprises us anymore. Really!The latest controversy surrounding cycling's own Lindsay Lohan (skinnier, more Belgian) are reports that he has run away with a married woman from Deinze, Belgium and her 22 month-old child to Normandy.Of course he did! Not mentioned in any news report is that Frank is under the impression that

Cycopaths: Talented, Famous

2007-07-12T08:51:00.000-04:00

This is where you go to meet the CycopathsIf you've ever had doubts about the popularity of the Cycopaths, put them away, because we're but one step short of having to fight-off the paparazzi. You know you're famous when a random person on the subway has read your blog. That's right, while I was taking the subway instead of riding the new carbon fiber Platogrande-mobile in the pouring rain, an

Mr. 49%? I hope not.

2007-07-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

Fabulous Fabian Cancellara's win in yesterday's Stage 3 of le Tour was absolutely thrilling. Well, until about five seconds after he crossed the line, when I remembered which team he is on and who runs that team. Any fan who is not skeptical these days of any fantastic race results is a fool. The greater fool still is the fan who denies that when the master puppeteer, Bjarne "Mr 60%" Riis is

Boonen: Belgian, Classy, Pretty

2007-07-09T22:30:00.000-04:00

Tom Boonen has long been a source of inspiration here at Cycopaths HQ. Aside from being a beast on the bike, he shares other great qualities with your humble authors: class, charm and devastating good looks. It is especially his classiness that distinguishes him from the likes of the father of Ewan McEwen.McEwen is like the hot girlfriend you can't dump because she's, well, so hot. He's

Tour Preview!

2007-07-07T00:22:00.001-04:00

Is this the face of a champion?On the eve of the 2007 Tour de France, Cycopaths readers are no doubt wondering what we think will come of this Tour. Well, aside from another doping scandal, natch. While I won't tell you who will win, I'll tell you who won't, and that's Cadel Evans. How is this guy ever considered one of the favorites? He's won exactly one race since 2004 [A Tour of Romandie

Indurain won six Tours

2007-07-06T07:53:00.000-04:00

One more finger, Miguel.As we, the Cycopaths prepare our 2007 Tour de France previews, I find myself reflecting on the 1996 Tour. I still believe that our hero, Miguel Indurain, had he not cracked because of Bjarne "Mr. 60%" Riis' attacks, would have controlled the race and won. However, recent developments have led me to the conclusion that he is the real winner anyway, despite his "11th"

Ale-Jet Grounded

2007-07-05T09:01:00.000-04:00

Readers of Cycopaths are no doubt wondering about the recent slackness of posting. The truth is, we're overwhelmed by the flow of cycling doping news streaming in from Europe. Among the latest shocking (?) news is that Alessandro "Ale-Jet" Petacchi is under investigation for doping, and thereby suspended by his team (they're just following orders, you know). Worse still for Ale-Jet is that he

Di Luca: Doper, Bard

2007-07-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

We here at Teh Cycopaths contend that there is more to life that just bike racing news.There's also unintentional poetry to be found in said news! From a recent cyclingnews piece:need to inject Erythropoietinimmediatelysince,at the time,the drug was only detectable for a few days.You have to pass by.You have to hurrybecause you need to do it today,said the doctor.Di Luca responded

Simoni was wrong

2007-06-18T21:29:00.000-04:00

Nice try, Gibo, he's no alienApparently Ivan Basso is in fact human, not an extraterrestrial. Well, that is if you believe Basso:"Since I confessed my errors I have started to feel better with myself and towards my family. It is true that I deceived for one year because I was afraid of being uncovered, but it is human to make mistakes." His elusive dog, Birrillo, on the other

New Jersey hates cycling, common sense

2007-06-18T08:31:00.001-04:00

Apparently New Jersey thinks that quick-release wheels are a big problem. So big, that it's more important for lawmakers to ban them than to, say, pay attention to mathematics education or crime (unless of course you consider making it more difficult to steal wheels to be crime-fighting).BUT IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN!!!How children are being harmed by quick-release wheels is unclear. What is

The 80s called: they want their panache back

2007-06-12T21:26:00.000-04:00

In today's Dauphiné Libéré, Christophe "The Tongue" Moreau showed us all how it's done. At 36 year old, "le chien" still has it, winning the stage the old fashioned way, riding the hardest. For possibly the first time ever, I find myself admiring old Cristophe. Until now, I've always thought of him as well, downright annoying. Maybe it's the pathetic attempts at growing a beard. Maybe it's

Platogrande for President?

2007-06-05T22:09:00.001-04:00

Watching the presidential debates, my better half suggested that maybe I should run for President. Presumptuous? I think not. Let's check the facts. Charm and wit? Check! Devastating good looks? Check! Intelligent opinions on everything? Check! What else is there? Ah, yes, a running mate. An obvious choice would be my colleague, Mr. 60%, but I figured I'd be more electable with

I want my, I want my EPO

2007-05-31T09:16:00.000-04:00

Dear readers, I tell you, la EPO must be a helluva drug. Not that I've ever tried it, but now I understand why Lance used to sleep in an altitude tent and why so many pros do, umm, training camps in Mexico. Hiking across the Grand Canyon these last few days with a big backpack was like altitude, resistance, and cross training all rolled into one. Maybe it's my imagination, but after some time

Child Leads Best Young Rider Classification

2007-05-25T07:19:00.000-04:00

Seriously now, how old is Andy Schleck, anyway? 13? 14, tops.And he's the revelation of this year's Giro.He's riding so strong that he even made 'The Killer' turn pussy:"I'm particularly afraid of Schleck," said Danilo Di Luca "We don't know him."Wow, huh?When Mr. 60 was fourteen he wasn't leading a major classification in an international stage race, he was doing what normal 14 year olds do:

French going soft?

2007-05-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

Cycopaths' Italian correspondent, Ghost Face Climber, has checked in with the following special report on Mickael Buffaz' escape in yesterday's Giro stage (previously covered by Mr. 60%):Perhaps not accustomed to a Frenchman leading a race, Mickael Buffaz suffered a mental breakdown when faced with the reality of being five minutes up on the peloton. Buffaz was seen crying by the side of the

Don't cry for me, Cofidis-ina

2007-05-24T17:38:00.000-04:00

In yesterday's Giro stage, young Frenchmen Mickael Buffaz inadvertently found himself ahead of the peloton by five minutes. He'd gone for an intermediate sprint at the same time that the group decided to sit up and take it easy.So what did the enterprising young man do? Did he realize his once in a lifetime opportunity? Did he put his head down and head for certain glory at the finish line? Ha!

Faces of T-Meth

2007-05-24T06:29:00.000-04:00

Another day, another doping scandal for T-Mobile. This one concerns Bert Dietz, a rider for the squad from 1994 to 1998, and his claims that he received a variety of drugs from team doctors, including growth hormones, anabolics, cortisone, and EPO. His confession follows those of Christian Henn, soigner Jeff D'Hont, along with team doctors Andreas Schmid and Lothar Heinrich. Sounds like they had

Too legit to quit

2007-05-18T09:59:00.001-04:00

Can't touch thisThat's Doctor Platogrande to you. Indeed, the Cycopaths are back with some serious street cred, joining the ranks of cycling's intellectual elite. A PhD does that. Not like I'm going to let it get to my head or anything.But on to the news. DiLuca is in pink, but still has no class. Mr. 60's man-crush, Iban Mayo, is looking good in the Giro too. Basso is taking the fall for

Touched by an Uncle

2007-05-18T07:00:00.001-04:00

We're back! Hoo-ray!What's that you ask? Where are the changes we promised?Uh, we made all of that up. Of course we did! Ha! We're pretty wacky here at Cycopaths HQ.Before you go back to your porn sites, I'd like to stress that the Cycopaths took their hiatus out of necessity. Platogrande and I set out to answer one of life's fundamental questions: are there more important things in life than

Brief Hiatus

2007-05-07T16:09:00.000-04:00

Please excuse our appearance. The Cycopaths are in the middle of an upgrade. What are we upgrading? We can't get any classier, but we do have a few surprises in store. You'll have to wait a couple of days to find out.

Good Morning Tommy

2007-05-04T06:35:00.000-04:00

Discovery Channel's Tom Danielson has gone and done it again. This time he brings us his own line of coffee beans named, appropriately, The Tom Danielson Coffee Blends. With special blends Brasstown Bald, Madone, and Mt. Evans, there is a roast for every taste. Well, almost. We're holding out for Over-Hyped Goofy Motherfucker Mocha. We hear the aftertaste fails to live up to its potential, though.

To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

2007-05-02T06:32:00.000-04:00

On the heels of the latest allegations against The Frieburg University Clinic by former Team Telekom soigneur Jeff D'Hont that two of its doctors, Lothar Heinrich and Andreas Schmid, provided EPO to former riders Bjarne Riis and Jan Ullrich, comes decisive action.First, Rudolf Scharping, president of the German cycling federation (BDR) has said he expects the T-Mobile Team (formerly Telekom) to

Free Elisa Basso, Maybe

2007-05-01T06:35:00.000-04:00

Ivan Basso, last year's Tour of Italy winner and a pre-race favourite for the 2007 Tour de France, quit his Discovery Channel team yesterday claiming that the ongoing Puerto investigations was damaging the team.The Cycopaths sincerely hope this was a voluntary decision on Ivan's part and that Johan Bruyneel doesn't have Basso's lovely sister, Elisa the weather girl, tied up in closet in West

Ferengi Wins Fleche?

2007-04-29T22:04:00.000-04:00

Click here to find out.

Hinault: Legend, Batshit Crazy

2007-04-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

Five-time Tour de France winner and one of Mr. 60's boyhood heroes, Bernard Hinault, had this to say regarding the recent problems between Amaury Sport Organisation (ASO) and the Union Cycliste International (UCI): " The ProTour system just doesn't seem logical to me. Right now it is more important to have a lot of money than having a good team. I'm

Down goes Platogrande!

2007-04-28T13:19:00.000-04:00

Crashing sucks. Just ask Bushwick Bill. I've always wondered what it would be like to crash 25 miles from home and now I know! What does one do? Ride to the nearest pharmacy, do some preliminary wound clean-up, ride home, apply Tegaderm, eat pizza and probably scrap tomorrow's ride. At least I'll get to watch Liège-Bastogne-Liège live.

Wiggins: Balls, Sense

2007-04-27T07:00:00.000-04:00

Britain's world and Olympic track champion Bradley Wiggins says he is pleased that Discovery Channel have suspended Ivan Basso and called the team "hypocrites" for signing him in the first place."From a rider point of view, I'm delighted," Wiggins told the BBC. "The consensus in my team (Cofidis) is that we don't want any of the guys implicated to line up at the Tour de France."Agree!"I don't

Win a Date With Mr. 60: The Winner

2007-04-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

We'd grown tired lately of the usual array of drugs, Brazilian bonadage models, hippie strippers, and ex-girlfriends (that pic of my ex is probs NSFW, unless it is, in which case you have a better job than Mr. 60). Honestly, we were beginning to feel more like Mr. 52% when we decided the best way to raise the hematocrit of life would be to hold our contest earlier this week.Although we were

Jaksche: Rebellious Ideologue, Nuts

2007-04-26T10:40:00.000-04:00

Jörg Jaksche has signed a contract with Team Tinkoff. Jaksche says that he has nothing further to fear from anti-doping officials. Mr. 60 examnies what Jorg has to say:"I have done everything that the UCI has asked."Agree!"I was even the only rider who declared himself ready to give a voluntary DNA sample."True!"But everything is very unclear. Who knows, what will happen. I have the impression

Another day, another doper?

2007-04-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

What, me worry?I'd like to say that the world of cycling has been rocked by the announcement of Ivan Basso's suspension but then I'd be a liar. After all, his dog is named "Birrillo" and he did come in 16 seconds behind in a Giro stage with Simoni. How could he not be guilty?I admit, though, to not being entirely convinced. Has anybody checked the name of Davide Rebellin's dog? If it's "

Boredom expected, Tour of Georgia delivers

2007-04-24T22:01:00.000-04:00

As if things couldn't get any worse for the Tour of Georgia, a bunch of also-rans finished on the podium. If names like Brajkovic and Vandevelde meant nothing to you before the ToG, well, that's probably still the case. The only entertainment was seeing Levi Leipheimer peak too early for le Tour by months instead of weeks. Somebody should have told him that Ivan Basso might be a proved a doper

Win a Date with Mr. 60

2007-04-24T06:50:00.000-04:00

Whose legs are these? Leave any and all guesses in the comments section.

Is This The Face of HGH?

2007-04-23T06:32:00.000-04:00

Probs not, but we like to think so.

Bruyneel: Belgian, Tacky

2007-04-19T06:48:00.000-04:00

Johan Bruyneel was caught speeding during stage three of the Tour of Georgia. According to cyclingnews.com, Bruyneel was driving in excess of 90 miles per hour (150 km/h) and is now prohibited from driving the team car during stage five. Although Johan was probably speeding to catch the breakaway group which went on to finish 29 minutes ahead of the peloton, we here at Cycopaths like to think

VDB: The Comeback

2007-04-18T06:59:00.000-04:00

Cycling's unintentional Lenny Bruce, Frank Vandenbroucke, will return to racing this week, in the Giro d'Abruzzo. "I have a good plan," said the Belgian, who now rides for Acqua & Sapone.By that he means he'll ride to the first feed zone, climb aboard his imaginary Gryphon, and eat brownie mix as they fly high above Flanders.The wings, they flap like this.

Dead is Better

2007-04-18T06:29:00.000-04:00

Some philosophers (notably utilitarians) have argued that lying is not prohibited in certain circumstances, such as when telling a lie will save an innocent life. Some philosophers have also argued that paternalistic lying, or lying for the good of those lied to, is justified, even if it violates their autonomy.And then there is Tyler Hamilton.He is the Epimenides paradox incarnate."All Cretans

Georgia Legislature: Mathematicians

2007-04-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

Politicians from the southern US aren't really known for their cultural sophistication, right Trick Daddy? So the recent news concerning the Tour of Georgia shouldn't really surprise us, yet it does. Despite the fact that the 2006 Tour of Georgia had $26M of direct economic impact for the state of Georgia, the Georgia Legislature can't find $800,000 for the Tour. Maybe a 3250% return isn't good

Wake me up for Amstel Gold

2007-04-16T11:20:00.000-04:00

This year's Paris-Roubaix was boring, as Paris-Roubaix's tend to go. No rain, no mud, no Roger DeVlaeminck. Yes, the first Australian on the podium and best Spanish finish since the 1950s are Good Things for Cycling(TM), but the race lacked drama, unless of course you consider the main favorites sucking Tom Boonen's wheel drama. This week in racing is looking pretty bleak too until the Amstel

Boonen Loses Roo-Bay, Too

2007-04-15T12:40:00.000-04:00

The freckled Aussie menace, Stuart O'Grady, fought through the heat and dust to win today's Paris-Roubaix.And Tom Boonen did not.Tom, bitting the dust.

Platogrande: Sucker

2007-04-14T16:04:00.000-04:00

We are shocked by Platogrande's take on the Floyd Landis fiasco.We knew he was finishing up his docotoral thesis at an Ivy League university, but we didn't know it was in sucker studies.Why not acquiesce to Floyd's request that the samples be tested at the UCLA lab, you ask?Because the lab can't do it, fan boy.From cyclingnews.com:Former UCLA head Don Catlin, who recently stepped down, said that

USADA be hatin', tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

2007-04-14T11:52:00.000-04:00

In a stunning show of hypocrisy, USADA is demanding that that Floyd Landis' negative urine samples from le Tour '06 be retested. By the same lab that French @#$%ed up in the first place. The same lab that has a disturbing history of testing errors.We here at Cycopaths universally condemn dopers, but we don't always agree on who is a doper. Tyler? Posterboy. Mancebo? Retired-then-not, what

Kemmelberg: That Sketchy?

2007-04-13T06:48:00.000-04:00

Since no other races compare the Belgian classics, then it follows that there are no other crashes like those on the Flemish cobbles. A mass pile up in le Tour is terrible, but one during Gent-Wevelgem? Spectacular! In fact, wednesday's spill on the Kemmelberg was so severe that more than a few cycling luminaries are calling for its removal. Mr. 60 wonders: how bad could it be? To the evidence!It

Tony Cruz: By Any Means Neccesary

2007-04-12T07:06:00.000-04:00

"I have a free role, so I will go for it. I will try to be in good position and make the selection."That's Discovery Channel's Tony Cruz speaking before Gent-Wevelgem on Wednesday. He said some other stuff but we've decided to cut him off.Isn't this the guy who clipped the wheel of teammate George Hincapie during the Tour of California? The man responsible for forcing George to miss his beloved

Ullrich lashes out at Cycopaths

2007-04-11T07:28:00.000-04:00

Der Kaiser apparently is not happy with how he's been portrayed in the news media of late, saying, "In the past few months, certain media outlets have not reported objectively on me. These sometimes manipulated media reports are purposely destroying my reputation." We all know who he's talking about.

EPO: The Renaissance

2007-04-11T06:57:00.000-04:00

Shire Plc, the U.K.'s third-largest drug maker, last week started selling epoetin delta under the Dynepo brand in Germany and said it expects to begin marketing in other European countries in the coming months.Epoetin delta is made from human cells.Previous derivatives of erythropoietin, known to Cycopaths fans as EPO, came from animals such as hamsters and showed up in urine testing because they

Boonen: Splainin' To Do

2007-04-10T06:34:00.000-04:00

What happened to Boonen during Flanders? The press is reporting that he crashed heavily and hurt his wrist. It's being said that he was badly hurt and couldn't put any pressure on the arm afterwards. This could begin to explain his poor performance, (12th-ed.) but only if he were anybody else. Staf Scheirlinckx? Wow buddy! Super nice ride! Whats that, Björn Leukemans? Your hurt your wittle wist?

Karma's a b*tch too

2007-04-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

My colleague, Mr. 60%, is too generous in feeling any pity for Lief "eternal second" Hoste. Call me a fan of a hometown boy, but the memory of Hoste screwing team and teammate in last year's Ronde Van V still stings. Indeed, the home of this reporter was a scene of celebration when Balan pipped Hoste at the line today.Platogrande celebrate's Hoste richly deserved defeat.Fans may remember that

Hoste, Boonen lose Flanders

2007-04-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

Bonus Schadenfreude Edition! Leif could use a hug. The Tour of Flanders lived up to its hype today, and I say this sincerely and without snark: what a beautiful race it was! Alessandro Ballan has arrived. His attack on the Muur of Geraardsbergen shelled Boonen so completely that the Belgian was not seen for the rest of the race. He went on to finish out of the top ten.The only rider able to

Doping, natch.

2007-04-07T16:58:00.000-04:00

The inaugural U.S. Open Cycling Championships was held today in Richmond, Virginia. Don't worry if you've never heard of it, Mr. 60 hadn't either. They race organizers managed to attract NBC, which aired the last two hours of the race. This is called instant legitimacy. Never mind that holding this race the day before the Tour of Flanders is like comparing the love scene in "The Lady and The

Tour of Flanders-es: Better than Sex, Drugs?

2007-04-07T08:27:00.000-04:00

The Cycopaths usually rest on weekends, but tomorrow holds the greatest one day race in the world.Mr 60 has kicked the girls out of bed early and already paged his dealer, so stay tuned for the latest from the 91st Ronde van Vlaanderen.We suggest you go elsewhere for a great preview. Try nyvelocity.com for handsome Dan Schmalz' "Ronde von Danderen."He picks BoonenMr. 60's pick?We'll tell you

VDB: Aquitted, Nuts

2007-04-06T06:41:00.000-04:00

It is with great pleasure that we announce that Cycopaths favorite, the Bobby Brown of Belgian Cycling, Frank Vandenbrouke has been acquitted of doping offences by a Belgian court of appeal. They ruled that the one-day specialist had already been punished with a sporting suspension."He was acquitted on the basis that you cannot be punished for the same offence twice," a prosecution spokesman said

This Week In Stomach Ailments: Gastroenteritis

2007-04-05T06:28:00.000-04:00

It was announced today that cycling's own flying monkey, Robbie McEwen, will not take part in Sunday's Tour of Flanders after suffering from gastroenteritis at the Three Days of De Panne. This got us thinking: Just what is this mysterious Gastroenteritis? Could Robbie have contacted this dreaded ailment from his son, the unfortunately named Ewen McEwen?Mr. 60 investigates. Gastroenteritis is

Deconstructing Jan

2007-04-04T12:39:00.000-04:00

The Cycopaths proudly present the world's best coverage of Jan Ullrich, despite our lack of access, discretion, ethics, class, and shame. Meanwhile, the hometown media is busy casting aspersions on their once-beloved hero. Ullrich seemingly has nowhere to go, but we at Cycopaths believe he has a future in yellow journalism if not yellow jerseys, so Jan, we hereby extend to you an invitation to

The Writing on the Wall is in Blood

2007-04-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

"Today I'm ending my career as a professional cyclist,"- Jan Ullrich, February 26, 2007Ah, Ulle, you knew the jig was up, it seems. While some us refused to believe that the reign of Der Kaiser as second (or fourth) fiddle was not at an end, there can surely be no doubt now. Even this optimistic, some say naive reporter has trouble believing that this dope test was "rigged", as the party line

Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling.

2007-04-03T20:49:00.000-04:00

Every man has a right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out of the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? Has such a crime ever been laid to the charge of him who perished in a storm because, when he went on board, he knew of the danger. JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU, The Social Contract

Jan = Jan; World Shocked

2007-04-03T20:39:00.000-04:00

The quiet news day that I so eloquently complained about earlier is no more. As our esteemed colleague Platogrande reported below, today's breaking story surrounds cycling's own Lee Majors: Jan Ullrich. Jan's DNA matches that found in blood bags seized from Dr Eufemiano Fuentes last May. Mr. 60 doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, though. Did anyone expect a different result? If you

Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch

2007-04-03T12:21:00.000-04:00

Jan "Der Kaiser" Ullrich's DNA matches Puerto bloodbag. Stay tuned for the Cycopaths' analysis. We'll break it down like Doug E Fresh.

The reason we're here

2007-04-03T06:51:00.000-04:00

Ride up This: Kwaremont

2007-04-03T06:32:00.000-04:00

Mr. 60 est malade. It's also quite the quiet cycling news day. How do you say 'phoning it in' in Flemish?Flanders-es weekend is coming up, so here are some shots of the Oude Kwaremont. For extra fun, go here and see what Vulcans have to say about the mythical climb in the heart of Flanders. Amphetamines make you twitchy. Zabel: not a Doper; but still wins. Gilbert: not Flemish, but still wins.

Will Boonen Win Flanders-es?

2007-03-31T19:14:00.001-04:00

Ned seems to think so.

Tommy Voeckler is Too Sexy

2007-03-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

I always thought Tomas Voeckler looked funny on the bike. His head is always cocked at a funny angle. Now I know why: it's simply not his head.

Boonen: Yankee Fan

2007-03-31T12:43:00.000-04:00

Yes, Mr. 60 is a Google Image ninja.

Clenbuterol

2007-03-29T23:05:00.000-04:00

Stage 4 - March 29: Valladolid - Alto De Navacerrada, 154.4 km...114 José Vicente Garcia (Spa) Caisse d'Epargne 10.06115 Oscar Pereiro (Spa) Caisse d'Epargne 116 Andoni Aranaga (Spa) Euskaltel-Euskadi 11.02...The Cycopaths recommend:Lest we be called biased reporters,Stage 4 - March 29: Valladolid - Alto De Navacerrada, 154.4

Finally a reason to go to the movies: The Flying Scotsman

2007-03-29T22:41:00.001-04:00

"The Flying Scotsman" is the story of Graeme Obree, a talented, frustrated genius much admired by the Cycopaths. Obree's book, Flying Scotsman : Cycling to Triumph Through My Darkest Hours is an addicting read, and Obree himself had a hand in the movie so expectations are high. According to an ad in Bicycling magazine (don't laugh, we get it for free), the film starts showing in select theaters

Boonen: They're Heavy on the Hills

2007-03-29T06:51:00.000-04:00

Tornado Tom convincingly won the bunch sprint of yesterday's 62nd edition of the Dwars door Vlaanderen. Since then, much has been made about his winning gesture. It seems Tom pointed downwards as he crossed the line. Since he recently had his Quick-Step team bike sponsor Specialized build him a new bike, many assumed he was celebrating the success of the new ride.But here at Cycopaths we know the

Bjarne: Danish, Liar

2007-03-28T06:38:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend a Belgian television show pointed new allegations against 1996 Tour de France winner Bjarne Riis. Former soigneur Jef d'Hont said several Telekom riders used the banned blood booster EPO in the mid-1990s and accused Riis of riding with a hematocrit level well above the 50-percent cutoff later established as a healthy parameter.d'Hont said Riis had a hematocrit of 64 at one time

Then Why Aren't Basso's That Big?

2007-03-26T22:19:00.000-04:00

The just released Anna Nicole Smith autopsy results reveal that she was injecting herself with Human Growth Hormone in addition to a mixture of prescription sedatives, tranquilizers, pain and allergy drugs. Authorities are classifying her death as an accidental overdose.Overdose? Sounds more like Discovery's rest day lunch menu. Don't worry Ivan, just a few more treatments.

King James Bible Bicycle

2007-03-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

Dwayne Wade made it cool for NBA players to ride a bicycle, but only in the process of shilling for Lincoln's pimp mobile Navigator SUV. Wade's '03 Draft classmate Lebron James, though, is putting his money where his mouth is, purchasing an undisclosed interest in Cannondale.Lebron leads the pack into the finishing straightI'll be honest, this news makes me feel funny inside. I am certainly

Freire wins MSR; Spain Unimpressed

2007-03-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

Three time world champion Oscar Freire won yesterday's Milano-San Remo in impressive style. He may have just stayed home and played with his stuffed animals for all that the Spanish seemed to care.Unless you're leading a Grand Tour, Spaniards don't really notice cyclists. Just ask fellow Costa Brava resident Juan Antonio Flecha (the Cycopaths keep a summer home there -ed). He could win

Why cycling is better than other pro sports

2007-03-22T16:44:00.000-04:00

Riders don't say stupid @#$% like this:In this league with everything that's coming down the pike, night after night we have our backs against the wall, so we're out there to take it one play at a time, while giving 110% like we do in practice, lay it all on the line down to the wire to put some points on the board.

Shafted!

2007-03-18T23:12:00.000-04:00

NYC cyclists are once again getting the rusty shaft from the Port Authority of NY and NJ, managers of the George Washington Bridge, our typical route to riding in NJ and Rockland County, NY. We all remember, ruefully, no doubt, the dark, seemingly endless days of the metal grating stairs along the north walkway of the GWB (the latest round in the middle of the summer, to boot). Those stairs

Getting Doored: It Sucks.

2007-03-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

In honor of the injured finger of Mr. 60's friend, JP, we offer a solution to the common problem of getting doored when riding.Require all automakers to go the route of our German friends:

Boonen Loves Getting Second Place

2007-03-15T11:28:00.000-04:00

Alexandr Kolobnev won the third stage of the Paris-Nice race Wednesday after spending almost all of the 215 kilometer stage broken away.Tom Boonen led the bunch in the sprint to the line for second. Boonen was unaware that the CSC man had taken the stage and raised both hands as he crossed the line. Uhh, Tom?If you or I had miscalculated our placing in a finish we'd be pretty embarrassed. But

Doping Charges Against VDB Dropped

2007-03-14T09:38:00.000-04:00

The drug possession charges against Frank Vandenbrouke have been dismissed by Belgian authorities.The court of appeals in Brussels, Belgium, dismissed the charges Wednesday morning, noting that he had already served a six-month suspension. In a prepared statement issued exclusively to Cycopaths, Mr. Vandenbroucke had this to say:"My knee is still recovering from the surgery and once that heals

Mr. 60 Rides With A Legend

2007-03-13T18:48:00.000-04:00

Mr. 60 had the most incredible training ride in Central Park this afternoon. I had the great fortune to ride with local legend Ken 'The Motor' Harris!The man himself!Yes, sir! I was all, "OMG, BFF!" Mr. Harris' famous victory salute.Ken Harris has got to be one of the classiest racers around.Also in the park today? Lance Armstrong. Mr. 60 rode right past him on Harlem Hill.Did Mr. 60 say hi to

JensonUSA.com has brilliant marketing

2007-03-13T10:24:00.000-04:00

March Madness: Columbia University tears-up ECCC

2007-03-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

Columbia University is not known for athletic prowess. On the contrary, Columbia sports are best known for the second-longest losing streak in the history of college football. All that changed this past weekend, as Columbia's best sports team in recent memory left the competition gasping for air. Despite its status as a lowly club-level team at a school with a miserable NCAA track record, the

If I Did It: How Mr. 60 Would've Killed Otavio Bottechia

2007-03-12T07:38:00.000-04:00

Coming soon! Podium Girls: not so pretty in the 1920's.

Ask Mr. 60

2007-03-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

Mr. 60% is proud to introduce a new feature to Cycopaths: unsolicited answers to other website's mail.Yes, you read that right! We're going to gank letter's to the editor from other websites, reprint them here, and answer these people's burning questions. All without authorization! But don't worry, our lawyers are working night and day to keep us safe from litigation! Our first letter is taken

Stage Cancelled Due to Wind Conditions!

2007-03-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

Quick, someone call Jason Donald.Today's stage of the Vuelta a Murcia has been cancelled due to the dangerous wind conditions sweeping across Spain.After windy conditions caused various crashes yesterday, the organizers decided to blow off today's stage completely. The stage was to take the riders 162 kilometres from Totana to Fortuna, but instead the riders rode only the last ten kilometers into

And Now I Feel Dirty: Mr. 60

2007-03-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

Upon reading Mr. 60's in depth investigation into the life and career of Jose-Joaquin Rojas, a loyal reader (thanks Balanuez!-ed.) alerted us to the fact J.J. had an older brother named Mariano.Mariano Rojas turned pro for the legendary Spanish squad ONCE in 1994. He was an accomplished and tireless worker -- in a team of hard workers -- for Laurent Jalabert and Alex Zulle.Sadly, he was killed

And Now He's A Champion: JJ Rojas

2007-03-07T17:32:00.000-05:00

Caisse d'Epargne rider José Joaquin Rojas Gil has just won the opening stage of the Vuelta a Murcia. In so doing, he not only scored his first professional win, but he also beat several on form sprinters; J.J. Haedo, fresh from a Tour of California victory; King of the Sprinting Squirrels, Graeme Brown, who also just won a stage in Cali; and Danilo Napolitano, first loser to Tom Boonen in the

VDB Optimistic

2007-03-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

Cyclingnews.com's Susan Westemeyer reports that Frank Vandenbroucke is in the middle of physical therapy for the knee which was operated on last month and can't race again until the end of April, but he is already planning his season. "My intention is to be ready for the start of the Giro," he told Het Laatste Nieuws. "There are still 70 days, so it must be possible."Yes Frank, it is possible.

Bettini Stays Classy

2007-03-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

You are World and Olympic Champion, Paolo, but that does not excuse the helmet design you're currently rocking, man.I mean if you're going to go all out, go all fuckin' out. Get some peacock feathers sticking out the sides, a couple of little plastic balls to hang off the back, and have a big titted blonde sit on top.

Mr. 60 is Sick

2007-03-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

I would feel better kicking dope in Abu Ghraib with Brian Peppers as a cell mate and an 'I Heart Al Zarqawi' tattoo.

Evan Fields is the new "hijo rudicio"

2007-03-02T11:13:00.000-05:00

Evander thought this was the worst day of his life until nowBoxer Evander Holyfield, in the midst of a third comeback, has been caught with his trunks down. With a bizarre situation bearing a striking resemblance to the infamous "Operación Puerto" affair, sports fans have received a shock in learning that boxers use steroids. That's right, doping scandals are not just for cyclists anymore.What,

Another Day, Another Crisis

2007-03-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

Can this man win Paris-Roubaix?Memphis, Tennessee rapper Project Pat has left Sony Records.The platinum selling rapper, who is responsible for the hit song "Chickenhead," left the label he's called home since 1998.First Floyd tests positive, Ullrich retires, and now this. How much more can cycling take?

UCI takes hostages

2007-02-28T12:15:00.000-05:00

By any means necessary...Our buddy Pat McQuaid and his UCI homies are back at it, threatening the French ProTour teams that are considering participating in this year's Paris-Nice. It's unclear what "very hard sanctions" old Paddy has in mind, but that Berretta looks kinda scary. I'd like to say that the French teams in question are between a rock and a hard place but they're not, seeing as

Worse Than A Decep Beat-Down?

2007-02-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

A Toast! To never testing positive again!The cycling world continues to lament Jan Ullrich's decision to retire from the sport at the age of 33.Even five time tour winner Miguel Indurain weighed in, saying yesterday: "Although at 33 he didn't have much cycling left in his legs, it is a shame he has had to retire in this manner."Yes Mig, it is a damn shame, and the Cycopaths have also been deeply

Mr. 60: Hung Over

2007-02-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

Due to Mr. 60's current state of mind, today's post must be a quiet one. This calls for a photo retrospective of our favorite asthmatic Gallego. Please enjoy silently. Eres el mejor, Senor 60! Gracias, guapo, gracias.

God Is Dead

2007-02-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood (doping scandal -ed.) off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is

French cycling's desperate bid for relevance backfires

2007-02-25T12:40:00.000-05:00

French cycling hasn't had a hero since admitted doper Richard Virenque retired. Consider for a moment the irony of the "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" winner and poster-child of the Festina scandal being the Great White Hope of French cycling for so long (at least since the days of, oh, say JF Bernard or Luc Leblanc). This, perhaps, puts in perspective French cycling's pathetic need to

Ludo Dierckxsens: Original Jamaican Don Dada

2007-02-25T11:34:00.000-05:00

This week we celebrate the career of Ludo Dierckxsens; Flandrian, journey man racer, and one of the hardest men to ever shave his legs. Ludo was born on the cold grey morning of October 14th 1964. It has been said that the labor lasted three months because he was born with a chainring around his head. A 53, natch.He turned pro at thirty years old to "see what (he) was worth." 1999 was perhaps