I want my, I want my EPO

Dear readers, I tell you, la EPO must be a helluva drug. Not that I've ever tried it, but now I understand why Lance used to sleep in an altitude tent and why so many pros do, umm, training camps in Mexico. Hiking across the Grand Canyon these last few days with a big backpack was like altitude, resistance, and cross training all rolled into one. Maybe it's my imagination, but after some time at 8000+ feet, deep breaths seem a little deeper, the next cog seems a little closer... indeed, this morning your humble servant Platogrande was seen flying up the Williamsburg Bridge on his daily commute, leaving behind hipsters and Hassidim alike. Never mind that Dominican fixie rider who dropped me like a bad habit ("on your left, papi!"). Now where'd that stupid needle go?

Child Leads Best Young Rider Classification

Seriously now, how old is Andy Schleck, anyway? 13? 14, tops.
And he's the revelation of this year's Giro.
He's riding so strong that he even made 'The Killer' turn pussy:
"I'm particularly afraid of Schleck," said Danilo Di Luca "We don't know him."
Wow, huh?
When Mr. 60 was fourteen he wasn't leading a major classification in an international stage race, he was doing what normal 14 year olds do: leading a crew of Dominican stick up kids at the Brooklyn House of Detention.
You know how we do in BK. I'll fucking shank you just for clicking on a link, word is bond.

French going soft?

Cycopaths' Italian correspondent, Ghost Face Climber, has checked in with the following special report on Mickael Buffaz' escape in yesterday's Giro stage (previously covered by Mr. 60%):
Perhaps not accustomed to a Frenchman leading a race, Mickael Buffaz suffered a mental breakdown when faced with the reality of being five minutes up on the peloton.  Buffaz was seen crying by the side of the road, saying "OMGWTF now everyone will see how big my ass is!".  The peloton, unfazed by Buffaz' internationally televised posterior, caught the embarrassed Frenchman before Italian TV was able to locate Sir Mix-a-Lot for a phone interview.

Don't cry for me, Cofidis-ina

In yesterday's Giro stage, young Frenchmen Mickael Buffaz inadvertently found himself ahead of the peloton by five minutes. He'd gone for an intermediate sprint at the same time that the group decided to sit up and take it easy.So what did the enterprising young man do? Did he realize his once in a lifetime opportunity? Did he put his head down and head for certain glory at the finish line? Ha! He's French, remember? He pulled over to the side of the road and cried in team manager Eric Boyer's arms."He cracked emotionally," explained Boyer."He didn't know what he had to do. This is his first Grand Tour and hewas afraid that his move would be badly interpreted." Buffaz wascaught after 147 kilometers off the front, and he's the new leader ofthe "Fuga Gilera" trophy, which is based on the number of kilometerscovered in breakaways.Alert Velo Magazine! Richard Virenque's successor has been found!

Faces of T-Meth

Another day, another doping scandal for T-Mobile. This one concerns Bert Dietz, a rider for the squad from 1994 to 1998, and his claims that he received a variety of drugs from team doctors, including growth hormones, anabolics, cortisone, and EPO. His confession follows those of Christian Henn, soigner Jeff D'Hont, along with team doctors Andreas Schmid and Lothar Heinrich.

Sounds like they had quite a party back in the day. Had Mr. 60 been on that team would he have won a grand tour? Probs not. Every time I went on a drug binge, I woke up in Burbank getting peed on by R. Kelly.

And what of Jan's positive amphetamine test back in 2002? Did the team hold tweaker parties in Berlin? Did Kraftwek spin at those events? Sparse German Techno and Speed go well together, obvs. I'm working my way through the Faces of Meth archive. I'll let you know as soon as I find Jan.

Too legit to quit

Can't touch this

That's Doctor Platogrande to you. Indeed, the Cycopaths are back with some serious street cred, joining the ranks of cycling's intellectual elite. A PhD does that. Not like I'm going to let it get to my head or anything.

But on to the news. DiLuca is in pink, but still has no class. Mr. 60's man-crush, Iban Mayo, is looking good in the Giro too. Basso is taking the fall for his doping dog, Birrillo. The Flandis anti-doping case has taken one bizarre turn after another, and even "Rainbow Brite" is now having doubts about Floyd. Incredibly, Oleg Tinkoff is having second-thoughts himself, but about hiring a squad of Doping All-Stars to bear his name on their cycling kits (and apparently has a thing for Russian boys). Looks like we're back just in time to break it down for you.

Touched by an Uncle

We're back! Hoo-ray!
What's that you ask? Where are the changes we promised?
Uh, we made all of that up. Of course we did! Ha! We're pretty wacky here at Cycopaths HQ.
Before you go back to your porn sites, I'd like to stress that the Cycopaths took their hiatus out of necessity. Platogrande and I set out to answer one of life's fundamental questions: are there more important things in life than this blog. (maybe!)
Platogrande used his free time to graduate with a doctorate in philosophy from a prestigious Ivy League (!) University in NYC.
No, really.
We here at Cycopaths are very proud.
That brings the total number of Cycopaths bloggers with PhD's to two, and by two I mean one.
Mr. 60% used his free time to focus on his amateur bike racing career. Too bad they don't give degrees for getting dropped. I'd be a Nobel Laureate! Yay!
In any case, the cycling world has been quiet and scandal free as of late (Item! What's this we hear about Landis testing positive at the Tour?) but we're ready to cover it as soon as it picks up.
Also, what is Danilo DiLuca doing interviewing Greg Lemond in California? Isn't he leading a race somewhere in Europe (Tirreno-Adriatico)? Is it even legal to be so handsome?
With so many questions, it looks like we got back just in time!

Brief Hiatus

Please excuse our appearance. The Cycopaths are in the middle of an upgrade. What are we upgrading? We can't get any classier, but we do have a few surprises in store. You'll have to wait a couple of days to find out.

Good Morning Tommy

Discovery Channel's Tom Danielson has gone and done it again. This time he brings us his own line of coffee beans named, appropriately, The Tom Danielson Coffee Blends. With special blends Brasstown Bald, Madone, and Mt. Evans, there is a roast for every taste.

Well, almost.

We're holding out for Over-Hyped Goofy Motherfucker Mocha. We hear the aftertaste fails to live up to its potential, though.

To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

On the heels of the latest allegations against The Frieburg University Clinic by former Team Telekom soigneur Jeff D'Hont that two of its doctors, Lothar Heinrich and Andreas Schmid, provided EPO to former riders Bjarne Riis and Jan Ullrich, comes decisive action.

First, Rudolf Scharping, president of the German cycling federation (BDR) has said he expects the T-Mobile Team (formerly Telekom) to thoroughly investigate the allegations. "The clinic and T-Mobile will clear up the affair," he said.

Well, that settles that!

Secondly, Scharping has announced that all Germans wishing to represent the Fatherland in Olympic competition must now agree to submit a DNA sample.

See? They're serious about ridding our sport of this scourge!

Where, pray tell, will all of these perfect samples of Aryan blood be stored?
At the Frieburg University Clinic, nacth!

Why is there a satanic looking Batman on their seal?

Free Elisa Basso, Maybe

Ivan Basso, last year's Tour of Italy winner and a pre-race favourite for the 2007 Tour de France, quit his Discovery Channel team yesterday claiming that the ongoing Puerto investigations was damaging the team.
The Cycopaths sincerely hope this was a voluntary decision on Ivan's part and that Johan Bruyneel doesn't have Basso's lovely sister, Elisa the weather girl, tied up in closet in West Flanders. Mr. 60 has found himself in similar situations and we can say with a straight face that it's no picnic.

What we find most interesting are Basso's recent comments regarding his situation. He stated yesterday that he is "at peace" with himself ahead of an Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) hearing on doping allegations on Wednesday.

"Whether I'm going to a hearing or not, I'm at peace with my conscience," he added.

Is it just us, or is he beginning to sound more like a man resigned to his fate rather than one fighting to clear his name?

We here at Cycopaths feel terrible for the smiling assassin. Why should he pay such a heavy price for his dog's poor decisions?

It happens to us when we look at her too, Ivan.