Boonen: Splainin' To Do

What happened to Boonen during Flanders?

The press is reporting that he crashed heavily and hurt his wrist. It's being said that he was badly hurt and couldn't put any pressure on the arm afterwards. This could begin to explain his poor performance, (12th-ed.) but only if he were anybody else.

Staf Scheirlinckx? Wow buddy! Super nice ride!

Whats that, Björn Leukemans? Your hurt your wittle wist? And still came in twelfth? Bravo!

But Tom Mother Fucking Boonen? Come on man! You're supposed brush that shit off.

You're supposed to be able to have a horrific crash, one where you land on your two front teeth, lose a few fingers in the spokes, proceed to brush yourself off, jump back on the bike, rip off the injured arm, hit Leif Hoste across the face with it a few times, fix your hair and go on to attack on the Paterberg. And then win.

So, what really happened to Tom? We welcome reader explanations below.

This article has nothing to do with boxing, Frank.

Karma's a b*tch too

My colleague, Mr. 60%, is too generous in feeling any pity for Lief "eternal second" Hoste. Call me a fan of a hometown boy, but the memory of Hoste screwing team and teammate in last year's Ronde Van V still stings. Indeed, the home of this reporter was a scene of celebration when Balan pipped Hoste at the line today.

Platogrande celebrate's Hoste richly deserved defeat.

Fans may remember that Team Discovery had an excellent tactical position in the 2006 edition of the Tour of Fladers-es with two riders in the selection of the day, Lief Hoste and none other than our fellow New Yorker George Hincapie. Rather than play it smart, Hoste pathetically grasped at personal glory by taking race favorite Tom Boonen with him on a breakaway, leaving the stronger Hincapie frustrated and bound by honor, unable to attack. Well Lief, it looks like fate isn't done biting you in the ass and I'm looking forward to see how you lose again next year.

Is this the face of a champion? I think not.

Hoste, Boonen lose Flanders

Bonus Schadenfreude Edition!

Leif could use a hug.

The Tour of Flanders lived up to its hype today, and I say this sincerely and without snark: what a beautiful race it was!

Alessandro Ballan has arrived. His attack on the Muur of Geraardsbergen shelled Boonen so completely that the Belgian was not seen for the rest of the race. He went on to finish out of the top ten.
The only rider able to follow the wiry Italian was last year's runner up, Leif Hoste. They worked well together and the duo made to the finish ten seconds ahead of the chase group.
Wisely, Hoste got on Ballan's wheel and forced the Italian to lead out the final kilometre. It looked like curtains for Alessanro's chances. At 150 metres, Hoste opened up his sprint on Ballan's left, thinking he had enough to hold it to the line. But Ballan managed to summon a fraction more strength and came around Hoste in the final ten metres to steal the glory. Hoste committed cycling's unenviable act of premature ejaculation: he started his sprint too early.

The last kilometre was crazy," said Ballan upon winning "I still don't believe that I did it!"

And neither could Hoste.

A Belgian TV crew approached him moments before the podium presentation, and poor Leif just about broke down crying. He was a shattered man.
Mr 60 almost felt sorry for him. He looked like a little boy blaming himself for his his parent's divorce. We wanted to give him a vanilla cupcake, a hug, and remind him that he did his best.

See? Mr 60 does have something that could pass for a heart.

As soon as we saw him climb onto the podium, though, our potential sympathy was gone. Leif was anything but graceful in defeat. He didn't even bother to hold up his bouquet of flowers. Suddenly, we found ourselves thinking: ha ha.

We recommend reading this before Roubaix.

I'd be disappointed too if I looked like Lou Reed.

Doping, natch.

The inaugural U.S. Open Cycling Championships was held today in Richmond, Virginia. Don't worry if you've never heard of it, Mr. 60 hadn't either.

They race organizers managed to attract NBC, which aired the last two hours of the race. This is called instant legitimacy.

Never mind that holding this race the day before the Tour of Flanders is like comparing the love scene in "The Lady and The Tramp" to the Bukkake finale in "The DaVinci Load". By the way, that last title is totally NSFW. Completely. Unless of course it is SFW, in which case, right on!

Anyway, the race was won by Svein Tuft of the Symmetrics Pro (!?!) Cycling Team. In so doing, he beat out all of the top domestic squads including Toyota-United, Health Net, and Navigators.

Who is Mr. Tuft?

The portly Mr. Tuft.

We've never heard of him nor his team, and we doubt you have either.
We'd like to think that this is a miracle story. Mr. 60 would love to report that this 80 kg. rider has just scored the win of his life through hard work and dedication. But he's been racing since 1999 and his biggest road race win to date is the 2004 Yaletown Grand Prix, in Vancouver, BC. Wait. He won the what? The where? Exactly. We're going to go ahead and file this one as probs doping: Svein Tuft.

Who's first?

Tour of Flanders-es: Better than Sex, Drugs?

The Cycopaths usually rest on weekends, but tomorrow holds the greatest one day race in the world.
Mr 60 has kicked the girls out of bed early and already paged his dealer, so stay tuned for the latest from the 91st Ronde van Vlaanderen.
We suggest you go elsewhere for a great preview. Try nyvelocity.com for handsome Dan Schmalz' "Ronde von Danderen."
He picks Boonen
Mr. 60's pick?
We'll tell you later.
Rico's here.

Hold up. Rico's around the corner.

VDB: Aquitted, Nuts

It is with great pleasure that we announce that Cycopaths favorite, the Bobby Brown of Belgian Cycling, Frank Vandenbrouke has been acquitted of doping offences by a Belgian court of appeal. They ruled that the one-day specialist had already been punished with a sporting suspension.
"He was acquitted on the basis that you cannot be punished for the same offence twice," a prosecution spokesman said.

While Mr. 60 applauds the court's decision, we can't help but question the rationale for it. Although VDB served a six month suspension from the sport in 2002, that's not really a punishment. It's like forbidding a paraplegic from delivering pizza.

The real reason for this is acquittal is that the courts realized that they could do nothing to Frank that Frank hasn't already done to himself. In that delicate little mind of his, among the cow bells and unicorns, Frank thinks he's from Atlantis and that every weekend he swims among us to look after his chipmunks.

Anyway, the courts knew better than to pick on VDB. It's like bullying a mentally challenged child. Sure you make him cry, but so does the scary dog at the supermarket.

Look at me when I'm talking to you, Frank.

This Week In Stomach Ailments: Gastroenteritis

It was announced today that cycling's own flying monkey, Robbie McEwen, will not take part in Sunday's Tour of Flanders after suffering from gastroenteritis at the Three Days of De Panne.

This got us thinking: Just what is this mysterious Gastroenteritis? Could Robbie have contacted this dreaded ailment from his son, the unfortunately named Ewen McEwen?

Mr. 60 investigates.

Gastroenteritis is a general term referring to inflammation or infection of the gastrointestinal tract, primarily the stomach and intestines. It can be caused by infection with bacteria, viruses, or other parasites, or less commonly reactions to new foods or medications. Many times it involves stomach pain (sometimes to the point of crippling), diarrhea and/or vomiting, with noninflammatory infection of the upper small bowel, or inflammatory infections of the colon.

Wow! So it's the argy bargy of the colon! Maybe sprinters aren't so tough after all.

In Australia they bury it in the sand.