Indurain won six Tours

One more finger, Miguel.

As we, the Cycopaths prepare our 2007 Tour de France previews, I find myself reflecting on the 1996 Tour. I still believe that our hero, Miguel Indurain, had he not cracked because of Bjarne "Mr. 60%" Riis' attacks, would have controlled the race and won. However, recent developments have led me to the conclusion that he is the real winner anyway, despite his "11th" placing. On to the investigation!

Consider the GC of the '96 Tour. The top three had more EPO in them than a whole ward of recovering cancer patients. Laurent Dufaux, Festina, need I say more? Luc Leblanc we know was a doper -- just read between the lines of Graeme Obree's book about the time he kindasortamaybe went pro with le Groupement. Ugrumov was Raimundas Rumsas before Rumsas himself, i.e. doping for sure. Olano? Known doper. Escartin, well, not sure there but I'm sure we can dig something up. Rominger, look at his hour record numbers and try to tell me he didn't have track marks between his toes. That leaves only Peter Luttenberger ahead of Indurain, and nobody's ever heard of him since so he too was probably on something (inconsistency is the hallmark of the doper!).

So there you have it, we now know why Lance went for number seven: the "top ten" of the '96 Tour should have been DQ'd, and Indurain awarded his sixth victory. ¡Aupa!

Ale-Jet Grounded

Readers of Cycopaths are no doubt wondering about the recent slackness of posting. The truth is, we're overwhelmed by the flow of cycling doping news streaming in from Europe. Among the latest shocking (?) news is that Alessandro "Ale-Jet" Petacchi is under investigation for doping, and thereby suspended by his team (they're just following orders, you know). Worse still for Ale-Jet is that he has been formally accused of doping by his home country and consequently is out of this year's Tour de France.

Truth be told, the only truly surprising news these days in the world of cycling is when someone is declared to not be a doper by someone other than the cyclist himself. Do I believe that Petacchi is a doper? Well, yes, if taking a few too many pulls on an inhaler qualifies as doping. I guess I should be careful with those double-shots of Flonase before my next brevet.

Doping is a huge problem in cyling, no doubt. Unfortunately, though, rather than do things The Right Way(TM), doper-catchers seem to in competition with the dopers themselves to see who can destroy our beloved sport first. If it's not Dick Pounder, it's French LNDD, or in this case, the Italian Olympic Committee. Why can't they focus on real dopers?

Di Luca: Doper, Bard

We here at Teh Cycopaths contend that there is more to life that just bike racing news.There's also unintentional poetry to be found in said news! From a recent cyclingnews piece:

need to inject Erythropoietin
immediately
since,
at the time,
the drug was only detectable for a few days.
You have to pass by.
You have to hurry
because you need to do it today,
said the doctor.
Di Luca responded

Simoni was wrong

Nice try, Gibo, he's no alien

Apparently Ivan Basso is in fact human, not an extraterrestrial. Well, that is if you believe Basso:

"Since I confessed my errors I have started to feel better with myself and towards my family. It is true that I deceived for one year because I was afraid of being uncovered, but it is human to make mistakes."

His elusive dog, Birrillo, on the other hand, is known to have contact with extraterrestrials. We at Cycopaths believe a picture is worth a thousand words:

So there you have it. Birrillo remains at large because he's on another planet. I'll bet he and VDB see each other on weekends for unicorn rides across the Martian countryside.

New Jersey hates cycling, common sense

Apparently New Jersey thinks that quick-release wheels are a big problem. So big, that it's more important for lawmakers to ban them than to, say, pay attention to mathematics education or crime (unless of course you consider making it more difficult to steal wheels to be crime-fighting).

BUT IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN!!!

How children are being harmed by quick-release wheels is unclear. What is totally clear is that politicians have no @#$%ing clue, more so than usual, when bicycles are the issue. Cyclist killed on 9W [major cycling route out of NYC -Ed.]? Ban bikes from riding there! Children need saving from QR wheels? Ban them! (the wheels, not the children, though that may not be far behind -- can't be harmed if they're banned, right? it just makes sense). In any case, we recommend the Welsh "harness of oranges" as a safety device:

Anything for the children

The 80s called: they want their panache back

In today's Dauphiné Libéré, Christophe "The Tongue" Moreau showed us all how it's done. At 36 year old, "le chien" still has it, winning the stage the old fashioned way, riding the hardest. For possibly the first time ever, I find myself admiring old Cristophe. Until now, I've always thought of him as well, downright annoying. Maybe it's the pathetic attempts at growing a beard. Maybe it's the tongue? Physical defects aside, let us not forget the Festina connection (leaving the fact that he's French out of it -- what is with the French and doping-scandal-tainted riders becoming national heroes?). Despite it all, Moreau made me feel warm and fuzzy today. There's nothing like a guy dragging a break across the countryside and still winning the race. Way to go, old man!

Speaking of the DL, was I not right about Levi Leipheimer? Even he admits now that he peaks too early. Here's what the American pseudo-stage-racer had to say about last year's poor timing:

"I really wanted to win the Dauphiné because I grew up with this race when I heard of Greg LeMond going for it. I thought it was really nice to put my name in the record books but I might have missed some strength because of that at the Tour. This time, I'm hoping to have delayed my peak form a little bit."

Remember, you heard it here first. Staying on the topic of talented Americans with unfulfilled potential, it's been pretty clear that Tom Danielson doesn't have the stomach for the big races (really!), dropping out with yet another spot of digestive distress. Good luck making the Tour squad, Tommy!

Platogrande for President?

Watching the presidential debates, my better half suggested that maybe I should run for President. Presumptuous? I think not. Let's check the facts. Charm and wit? Check! Devastating good looks? Check! Intelligent opinions on everything? Check! What else is there? Ah, yes, a running mate. An obvious choice would be my colleague, Mr. 60%, but I figured I'd be more electable with someone more famous, someone recognizable across the world, not just in the US. I hit upon Lance Armstrong. It seemed like a great idea, a Platogrande/Armstrong ticket, but then I realized that I'm not quite old enough and, more importantly, Lance would probably have me assassinated to gain the Presidency for himself. If a bloody weapon was seen being tossed into a dumpster from Lance's presidential motorcade, the new White House Chief of Staff Johan Bruyneel (is he even a US citizen?) would somehow explain it away. No, my friends, running for President would be too risky so I'll stick to blogging for now.