T-Mobile hangs-up

No more Euros for you, foo'!

T-Mobile today said to cycling today, "we r thru". Yes, the multinational megatelco that shrugged off Sergui Gonchar (or is it Honchar?) and Jan Ullrich doping scandals apparently found young Patrick Sinkewitz' transgressions to be too much. The question that remains is, was it the EPO or the testo that did it? Seriously, if Sinkewitz had only done one or the other, but not both, would have that been enough to save the sponsorship?

We may never know the answer. Speculation may begin, though, on what the new team kits will be like. Perhaps they plan to borrow Unibet's kit while they court a new clueless title sponsor.

Linus Gerdemann would make this look good

Word has it that the squad will race as "Team High Road", with the team named after the management company that operates it. Is this an indication of a plan to operate "dope-free" like the American "Team Slipstream"? Cycopaths' intrepid European correspondent, Old Dirty Sprinter has evidence that supports this theory, having obtained exclusive photographs of what is believed to be the teams new emblem:

In a madmam's dream...

Di Luca: Doper, Bard

We here at Teh Cycopaths contend that there is more to life that just bike racing news.There's also unintentional poetry to be found in said news! From a recent cyclingnews piece:

need to inject Erythropoietin
immediately
since,
at the time,
the drug was only detectable for a few days.
You have to pass by.
You have to hurry
because you need to do it today,
said the doctor.
Di Luca responded

Jaksche: Rebellious Ideologue, Nuts

Jörg Jaksche has signed a contract with Team Tinkoff. Jaksche says that he has nothing further to fear from anti-doping officials. Mr. 60 examnies what Jorg has to say:

"I have done everything that the UCI has asked."

Agree!

"I was even the only rider who declared himself ready to give a voluntary DNA sample."

True!

"But everything is very unclear. Who knows, what will happen. I have the impression that something has to happen, because certain people have leaned too far out the window."

Agree!

"These people have to figure with legal steps against them, if they have falsely accused riders like Ivan Basso of doping. Our status has fallen from a respected rider to that of a beggar. Someone has to pay for that damage. That's why they are so interested that the investigation reach the results they want."

Word is bond, Jörg!

Hey Jorg, will Ivan Basso ride the Tour?

"He will definitely ride."

Really? Why?

"His sponsors will make sure of that. Nike is Basso's main personal sponsor and an official partner of the Tour."

Er, what?!?

"Versus belongs to Discovery Channel, and as far as I know, has bought the US TV rights to the Tour for the next four years. So theoretically speaking, Basso shouldn't have any problem in France."

Huh? You lost me there there, buddy. So let me get this straight. You're saying there's a conspiracy? Discovery Channel, Nike and THESE GUYS control pro cycling? I have just one question: do they meet at Bohemian Grove?

UCI Headquarters

Another day, another doper?

What, me worry?

I'd like to say that the world of cycling has been rocked by the announcement of Ivan Basso's suspension but then I'd be a liar. After all, his dog is named "Birrillo" and he did come in 16 seconds behind in a Giro stage with Simoni. How could he not be guilty?

I admit, though, to not being entirely convinced. Has anybody checked the name of Davide Rebellin's dog? If it's "Birrillo", there are going to be some very embarrassed anti-doping officials out there. Never mind the fact that Basso's victories in the Giro '06 and Tour of Denmark '05 were ridiculously dominant. Or that his DS was the namesake of my Cycopaths colleague Mr. 60%.

Apparently Italian officials are convinced that there's enough circumstantial evidence to warrant an investigation; blood bags are on the way to Italy at this very moment. DNA whacked Ullrich, why not Basso? But, we ask, when is Basso's dog getting DNA tested? and is that canine master of disguise still at large?

Does this look like a doper to you?

Deconstructing Jan

The Cycopaths proudly present the world's best coverage of Jan Ullrich, despite our lack of access, discretion, ethics, class, and shame. Meanwhile, the hometown media is busy casting aspersions on their once-beloved hero. Ullrich seemingly has nowhere to go, but we at Cycopaths believe he has a future in yellow journalism if not yellow jerseys, so Jan, we hereby extend to you an invitation to join the Cycopaths staff.

Cycopaths Ullrich coverage:

• Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch
• Jan = Jan; World Shocked
• Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling
• The Writing on the Wall is in Blood
  

The Writing on the Wall is in Blood

"Today I'm ending my career as a professional cyclist,"
- Jan Ullrich, February 26, 2007

Ah, Ulle, you knew the jig was up, it seems. While some us refused to believe that the reign of Der Kaiser as second (or fourth) fiddle was not at an end, there can surely be no doubt now. Even this optimistic, some say naive reporter has trouble believing that this dope test was "rigged", as the party line goes.

I concur with my colleague, Mr 60%, that our beloved sport of cycling is at fault more than any individual. Still, we must question why some individuals take the fall for the entire sport. Remember how Paco Mancebo retired then unretired? Why isn't his DNA being tested, we wonder. Bad luck for Ulle, or perhaps stupidity, as suggested by an avid Cycopaths reader:

Well, you do have to wonder what kind of chapucero would use a double-secret codename like "Jan". Who would have thought that it was really the Kaiser's blood? Nicely done, Eufemiano.

Given that, it does seem kind of smart of Lance to go with a guy who knows how to hide the bodies... err... blood bags.

And what of Ivan Basso, and his dog Birrillo? My theory? Birrillo disguised himself and played the part of lookout man dog.

Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch

Jan "Der Kaiser" Ullrich's DNA matches Puerto bloodbag. Stay tuned for the Cycopaths' analysis. We'll break it down like Doug E Fresh.

Clenbuterol

• Stage 4 - March 29: Valladolid - Alto De Navacerrada, 154.4 km
  ...
  114 José Vicente Garcia (Spa) Caisse d'Epargne 10.06
  115 Oscar Pereiro (Spa) Caisse d'Epargne
  116 Andoni Aranaga (Spa) Euskaltel-Euskadi 11.02
  ...
  
  The Cycopaths recommend:
  

Lest we be called biased reporters,

• Stage 4 - March 29: Valladolid - Alto De Navacerrada, 154.4 km
  1 Alberto Contador (Spa) Discovery Channel Pro Cycling Team 3.52.04 (39.92 km/h)
  2 Koldo Gil (Spa) Saunier Duval-Prodir
  3 Juan Jose Cobo (Spa) Saunier Duval-Prodir 0.28
  ...
  
  The Cycopaths recommendation.

Doping Charges Against VDB Dropped

The drug possession charges against Frank Vandenbrouke have been dismissed by Belgian authorities.

The court of appeals in Brussels, Belgium, dismissed the charges Wednesday morning, noting that he had already served a six-month suspension.

In a prepared statement issued exclusively to Cycopaths, Mr. Vandenbroucke had this to say:

"My knee is still recovering from the surgery and once that heals I'll be sure to hold up a bank, pull a shotgun on my wife, or enter the Miss Belgium competition. My fans can rest assured that I won't be racing any time soon. No, don't worry about that."

Evan Fields is the new "hijo rudicio"

Evander thought this was the worst day of his life until now

Boxer Evander Holyfield, in the midst of a third comeback, has been caught with his trunks down. With a bizarre situation bearing a striking resemblance to the infamous "Operación Puerto" affair, sports fans have received a shock in learning that boxers use steroids. That's right, doping scandals are not just for cyclists anymore.

What, me worry?

Father Time The 44 year old boxer is still in denial, despite the facts that he and "Evan Fields" share the same birthday, and that when a clever reporter called the telephone number listed on Evander's Evan's account, guess who picked-up? If you believe 'Vander is clean, you probably believe Michael "it's not my crack pipe" Irvin too. Shoulda used a Ron Mexico name, Evander.

American team plans to never win

From the country that brings you the best in security theater comes to you anti-doping theater. US-based team Slipstream has announced plans to blow their load administer fifty doping controls per year to each team member. Apparently claiming to spend 400,000USD on team-sponsored doping tests is supposed to make us feel good. And by feel good I mean laugh and point as the riders on Team Slipstream get consistently dropped. It seems that a goal of having a "clean" team is to attract sponsors which might, understandably, given the seemingly endless doping scandals in cycling, be skittish about putting money into a team. Team Slipstream is going to need that extra sponsorship money to pay for all those extra doping tests.

NFL Players say "no" to Dick

Dick Pounder and his WADA goons, that is. NFL Players' Union executive director Gene Upshaw questions WADA's reliability:

"I have no confidence in WADA or their kits," Upshaw told the Observer in an e-mail. "I have my doubts about WADA and their history. I am not willing to accept them as an authority on this."

It's shocking that a players' union would try to block a doping test. Next thing you know, baseball players won't want steroid tests and 40%+ of cyclist will want therapeutic use exemptions. On the other hand, WADA's credibility being challenged is a Good Thing(TM). I'm with Gene; I have no confidence in WADA, unless of course by confidence you mean belief in the ability to ruin lives.

Finally, questions about the Anti-Doping Machine(TM)

Someone finally stands-up to Dick Pounder and his minions. In a two-part article, the LA Times lays out the results of its investigation into the very sketchy world that is career destruction doper-catching. I have always maintained that the labs, WADA, etc have too much incentive to find athletes guilty. Some form of due process with "American style" checks and balances is needed for anybody to take the business of catching the real dopers seriously.

UCI continues to emabarrass itself

Hey Quaid, want a little cheese with that whine? Denying Astana a ProTour license should be embarrassing enough for the UCI, seeing as disgraced former team Liberty Seguros chief Manolo Saiz still holds a license. Claiming late filing of papers is why is downright pathetic. From cyclingnews.com:

“Quite simply, they haven’t followed the regulations,” said UCI President Pat McQuaid when Cyclingnews contacted him on Thursday evening. “They [Astana] didn’t get their information in on time. It is as simple as that. The regulations are there for all the teams to follow. They know the times, they know the dates, they know what they need to get in and the correct paperwork wasn’t in on time.”

What do these guys have against Astana? The people in charge at the UCI are like a driving road test instructor whose single greatest pleasure in life is to intimidate and fail frightened teenage girls. Way to go, UCI!

Bikin' Dirty/ Ridin' Dirty Floyd Landis-theFearlessHyenasCom

There are still Flandis believers out there, it seems.

"Doping All-Stars" team shaping-up nicely

The Man Doper From Marblehead, Tyler Hamilton, is reported to have signed with Tinkoff Credit Systems, joining fellow (former?) doper Danilo Hondo on the new professional continental team.

UPDATE (Nov 20): Tinkoff Trifecta in the works?
The latest potential Team Tinkoff Dope-off signing is Francisco "I didn't really retire" Mancebo. Mancebo, of course, announced the end of his pro cycling career upon being implicated in the infamous "Puerto" affair.