Deconstructing Jan

The Cycopaths proudly present the world's best coverage of Jan Ullrich, despite our lack of access, discretion, ethics, class, and shame. Meanwhile, the hometown media is busy casting aspersions on their once-beloved hero. Ullrich seemingly has nowhere to go, but we at Cycopaths believe he has a future in yellow journalism if not yellow jerseys, so Jan, we hereby extend to you an invitation to join the Cycopaths staff.

Cycopaths Ullrich coverage:

• Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch
• Jan = Jan; World Shocked
• Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling
• The Writing on the Wall is in Blood
  

The Writing on the Wall is in Blood

"Today I'm ending my career as a professional cyclist,"
- Jan Ullrich, February 26, 2007

Ah, Ulle, you knew the jig was up, it seems. While some us refused to believe that the reign of Der Kaiser as second (or fourth) fiddle was not at an end, there can surely be no doubt now. Even this optimistic, some say naive reporter has trouble believing that this dope test was "rigged", as the party line goes.

I concur with my colleague, Mr 60%, that our beloved sport of cycling is at fault more than any individual. Still, we must question why some individuals take the fall for the entire sport. Remember how Paco Mancebo retired then unretired? Why isn't his DNA being tested, we wonder. Bad luck for Ulle, or perhaps stupidity, as suggested by an avid Cycopaths reader:

Well, you do have to wonder what kind of chapucero would use a double-secret codename like "Jan". Who would have thought that it was really the Kaiser's blood? Nicely done, Eufemiano.

Given that, it does seem kind of smart of Lance to go with a guy who knows how to hide the bodies... err... blood bags.

And what of Ivan Basso, and his dog Birrillo? My theory? Birrillo disguised himself and played the part of lookout man dog.

Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling.

Every man has a right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out of the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? Has such a crime ever been laid to the charge of him who perished in a storm because, when he went on board, he knew of the danger.

JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU, The Social Contract

Jan = Jan; World Shocked

The quiet news day that I so eloquently complained about earlier is no more. As our esteemed colleague Platogrande reported below, today's breaking story surrounds cycling's own Lee Majors: Jan Ullrich.

Jan's DNA matches that found in blood bags seized from Dr Eufemiano Fuentes last May.

Mr. 60 doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, though. Did anyone expect a different result? If you enter Mr. 60's bedroom, will you not find a young Brazilian girl in bondage gear?

How could anyone feign surprise?

What confuses me is why the same testing isn't being done with Ivan Basso and Tyler Hamilton, both central figures in the Operacion Puerto investigation. Sure, they had to sit out a few races and sign new contracts but we're bound to see them racing in the Giro next month.

We hate to see these guys racing in the Pro Tour again, while Ulle is being vilified. What's that you say? I'm being hypocritical?

Sure, but I'm Mr. 60 P-to-the-fucking-ercent, and this is my blog. I can do whatever I want. If I want to contradict myself, I'll contradict myself.

If I want you to look at mouse tits, you will look at mouse tits.

Anyway, we think it is totally unfair that Jan is taking the heat for and has had his career ended by this performance enhancing witch hunt while unrepentant douchebags like Basso get a big money contract with Lance's dirty team.

Can we get DNA sample off of that?

Once upon a time, before repeated doping scandals turned his heart cold and dead, Mr. 60 believed in the inherent goodness of cycling. He even used to cheer for both Tyler and Ivan. Shit, we even felt bad when Tyler's dog, Tugboat (RIP), died. Now we want to exhume the body for evidence of foul play.

Tyler and his wife Haven (left, without the tennis ball).

Nonetheless, Mr. 60 still has some love for contemporary bike racing. We can't help it. Cycling nowadays is just like the women we tend to fall for: scandalous, psychotic and prone to teary denials. Oh, and on drugs of course.

We can't help but love Jan too. Despite this irrefutable evidence that he was doped, we still support Jan. And we will continue to. His lawyer says that he's being framed. Fine. Sure. Whatever.

Jan, we hardly knew ye. Well, mostly.

Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch

Jan "Der Kaiser" Ullrich's DNA matches Puerto bloodbag. Stay tuned for the Cycopaths' analysis. We'll break it down like Doug E Fresh.

The reason we're here

Ride up This: Kwaremont

Mr. 60 est malade. It's also quite the quiet cycling news day. How do you say 'phoning it in' in Flemish?
Flanders-es weekend is coming up, so here are some shots of the Oude Kwaremont. For extra fun, go here and see what Vulcans have to say about the mythical climb in the heart of Flanders.

Amphetamines make you twitchy.

Zabel: not a Doper; but still wins.

Gilbert: not Flemish, but still wins.

That's the Kwaremont in the distance.