Doping, natch.

The inaugural U.S. Open Cycling Championships was held today in Richmond, Virginia. Don't worry if you've never heard of it, Mr. 60 hadn't either.

They race organizers managed to attract NBC, which aired the last two hours of the race. This is called instant legitimacy.

Never mind that holding this race the day before the Tour of Flanders is like comparing the love scene in "The Lady and The Tramp" to the Bukkake finale in "The DaVinci Load". By the way, that last title is totally NSFW. Completely. Unless of course it is SFW, in which case, right on!

Anyway, the race was won by Svein Tuft of the Symmetrics Pro (!?!) Cycling Team. In so doing, he beat out all of the top domestic squads including Toyota-United, Health Net, and Navigators.

Who is Mr. Tuft?

The portly Mr. Tuft.

We've never heard of him nor his team, and we doubt you have either.
We'd like to think that this is a miracle story. Mr. 60 would love to report that this 80 kg. rider has just scored the win of his life through hard work and dedication. But he's been racing since 1999 and his biggest road race win to date is the 2004 Yaletown Grand Prix, in Vancouver, BC. Wait. He won the what? The where? Exactly. We're going to go ahead and file this one as probs doping: Svein Tuft.

Who's first?

Tour of Flanders-es: Better than Sex, Drugs?

The Cycopaths usually rest on weekends, but tomorrow holds the greatest one day race in the world.
Mr 60 has kicked the girls out of bed early and already paged his dealer, so stay tuned for the latest from the 91st Ronde van Vlaanderen.
We suggest you go elsewhere for a great preview. Try nyvelocity.com for handsome Dan Schmalz' "Ronde von Danderen."
He picks Boonen
Mr. 60's pick?
We'll tell you later.
Rico's here.

Hold up. Rico's around the corner.

VDB: Aquitted, Nuts

It is with great pleasure that we announce that Cycopaths favorite, the Bobby Brown of Belgian Cycling, Frank Vandenbrouke has been acquitted of doping offences by a Belgian court of appeal. They ruled that the one-day specialist had already been punished with a sporting suspension.
"He was acquitted on the basis that you cannot be punished for the same offence twice," a prosecution spokesman said.

While Mr. 60 applauds the court's decision, we can't help but question the rationale for it. Although VDB served a six month suspension from the sport in 2002, that's not really a punishment. It's like forbidding a paraplegic from delivering pizza.

The real reason for this is acquittal is that the courts realized that they could do nothing to Frank that Frank hasn't already done to himself. In that delicate little mind of his, among the cow bells and unicorns, Frank thinks he's from Atlantis and that every weekend he swims among us to look after his chipmunks.

Anyway, the courts knew better than to pick on VDB. It's like bullying a mentally challenged child. Sure you make him cry, but so does the scary dog at the supermarket.

Look at me when I'm talking to you, Frank.

This Week In Stomach Ailments: Gastroenteritis

It was announced today that cycling's own flying monkey, Robbie McEwen, will not take part in Sunday's Tour of Flanders after suffering from gastroenteritis at the Three Days of De Panne.

This got us thinking: Just what is this mysterious Gastroenteritis? Could Robbie have contacted this dreaded ailment from his son, the unfortunately named Ewen McEwen?

Mr. 60 investigates.

Gastroenteritis is a general term referring to inflammation or infection of the gastrointestinal tract, primarily the stomach and intestines. It can be caused by infection with bacteria, viruses, or other parasites, or less commonly reactions to new foods or medications. Many times it involves stomach pain (sometimes to the point of crippling), diarrhea and/or vomiting, with noninflammatory infection of the upper small bowel, or inflammatory infections of the colon.

Wow! So it's the argy bargy of the colon! Maybe sprinters aren't so tough after all.

In Australia they bury it in the sand.

Deconstructing Jan

The Cycopaths proudly present the world's best coverage of Jan Ullrich, despite our lack of access, discretion, ethics, class, and shame. Meanwhile, the hometown media is busy casting aspersions on their once-beloved hero. Ullrich seemingly has nowhere to go, but we at Cycopaths believe he has a future in yellow journalism if not yellow jerseys, so Jan, we hereby extend to you an invitation to join the Cycopaths staff.

Cycopaths Ullrich coverage:

• Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch
• Jan = Jan; World Shocked
• Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling
• The Writing on the Wall is in Blood
  

The Writing on the Wall is in Blood

"Today I'm ending my career as a professional cyclist,"
- Jan Ullrich, February 26, 2007

Ah, Ulle, you knew the jig was up, it seems. While some us refused to believe that the reign of Der Kaiser as second (or fourth) fiddle was not at an end, there can surely be no doubt now. Even this optimistic, some say naive reporter has trouble believing that this dope test was "rigged", as the party line goes.

I concur with my colleague, Mr 60%, that our beloved sport of cycling is at fault more than any individual. Still, we must question why some individuals take the fall for the entire sport. Remember how Paco Mancebo retired then unretired? Why isn't his DNA being tested, we wonder. Bad luck for Ulle, or perhaps stupidity, as suggested by an avid Cycopaths reader:

Well, you do have to wonder what kind of chapucero would use a double-secret codename like "Jan". Who would have thought that it was really the Kaiser's blood? Nicely done, Eufemiano.

Given that, it does seem kind of smart of Lance to go with a guy who knows how to hide the bodies... err... blood bags.

And what of Ivan Basso, and his dog Birrillo? My theory? Birrillo disguised himself and played the part of lookout man dog.

Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling.

Every man has a right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out of the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? Has such a crime ever been laid to the charge of him who perished in a storm because, when he went on board, he knew of the danger.

JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU, The Social Contract