Ferengi Wins Fleche?

Click here to find out.

Hinault: Legend, Batshit Crazy

Five-time Tour de France winner and one of Mr. 60's boyhood heroes, Bernard Hinault, had this to say regarding the recent problems between Amaury Sport Organisation (ASO) and the Union Cycliste International (UCI): " The ProTour system just doesn't seem logical to me. Right now it is more important to have a lot of money than having a good team. I'm neutral, but I'm against the ProTour."

Wow. Either Mr. Hinault needs a dictionary, or all that time spent in the sun is catching up to him. We wouldn't be surprised if he followed that up with, "I'm also a peanut, but I like hobbits. No, oranges can't shift into third gear, but those boobies in my mind sure can."

Down goes Platogrande!

Crashing sucks. Just ask Bushwick Bill. I've always wondered what it would be like to crash 25 miles from home and now I know! What does one do? Ride to the nearest pharmacy, do some preliminary wound clean-up, ride home, apply Tegaderm, eat pizza and probably scrap tomorrow's ride. At least I'll get to watch Liège-Bastogne-Liège live.

Wiggins: Balls, Sense

Britain's world and Olympic track champion Bradley Wiggins says he is pleased that Discovery Channel have suspended Ivan Basso and called the team "hypocrites" for signing him in the first place.
"From a rider point of view, I'm delighted," Wiggins told the BBC. "The consensus in my team (Cofidis) is that we don't want any of the guys implicated to line up at the Tour de France."

Agree!

"I don't think we will ever learn the full story about what happened last year with Operacion Puerto and Floyd Landis. Every time something comes up they get a good lawyer and it gets dragged through the courts for years."

Umm, fuck yes, Mr. Wiggins.

Hey Brad, you've bravely spoke out against the doping mafia. How many balls do you have?

Win a Date With Mr. 60: The Winner

We'd grown tired lately of the usual array of drugs, Brazilian bonadage models, hippie strippers, and ex-girlfriends (that pic of my ex is probs NSFW, unless it is, in which case you have a better job than Mr. 60). Honestly, we were beginning to feel more like Mr. 52% when we decided the best way to raise the hematocrit of life would be to hold our contest earlier this week.
Although we were inundated with responses, there can be only one winner. And what a winner it is!
Fellow journalist, friend of the Cycopaths, and preeminent English language expert on Basque cycling, Mr. Magnus has won a date with Mr. 60%.
Before you book that flight from Oslo to New York though, we'd like to offer you an alternative prize: a Brooklyn cycling cap, as worn above by Cycopaths spokes model Mars Blackmon.

So what do you say Magnus? Email us your address for the hat or pack a bottle of Aquavit and we'll pick you up from JFK. The choice is yours.

Jaksche: Rebellious Ideologue, Nuts

Jörg Jaksche has signed a contract with Team Tinkoff. Jaksche says that he has nothing further to fear from anti-doping officials. Mr. 60 examnies what Jorg has to say:

"I have done everything that the UCI has asked."

Agree!

"I was even the only rider who declared himself ready to give a voluntary DNA sample."

True!

"But everything is very unclear. Who knows, what will happen. I have the impression that something has to happen, because certain people have leaned too far out the window."

Agree!

"These people have to figure with legal steps against them, if they have falsely accused riders like Ivan Basso of doping. Our status has fallen from a respected rider to that of a beggar. Someone has to pay for that damage. That's why they are so interested that the investigation reach the results they want."

Word is bond, Jörg!

Hey Jorg, will Ivan Basso ride the Tour?

"He will definitely ride."

Really? Why?

"His sponsors will make sure of that. Nike is Basso's main personal sponsor and an official partner of the Tour."

Er, what?!?

"Versus belongs to Discovery Channel, and as far as I know, has bought the US TV rights to the Tour for the next four years. So theoretically speaking, Basso shouldn't have any problem in France."

Huh? You lost me there there, buddy. So let me get this straight. You're saying there's a conspiracy? Discovery Channel, Nike and THESE GUYS control pro cycling? I have just one question: do they meet at Bohemian Grove?

UCI Headquarters

Another day, another doper?

What, me worry?

I'd like to say that the world of cycling has been rocked by the announcement of Ivan Basso's suspension but then I'd be a liar. After all, his dog is named "Birrillo" and he did come in 16 seconds behind in a Giro stage with Simoni. How could he not be guilty?

I admit, though, to not being entirely convinced. Has anybody checked the name of Davide Rebellin's dog? If it's "Birrillo", there are going to be some very embarrassed anti-doping officials out there. Never mind the fact that Basso's victories in the Giro '06 and Tour of Denmark '05 were ridiculously dominant. Or that his DS was the namesake of my Cycopaths colleague Mr. 60%.

Apparently Italian officials are convinced that there's enough circumstantial evidence to warrant an investigation; blood bags are on the way to Italy at this very moment. DNA whacked Ullrich, why not Basso? But, we ask, when is Basso's dog getting DNA tested? and is that canine master of disguise still at large?

Does this look like a doper to you?

Boredom expected, Tour of Georgia delivers

As if things couldn't get any worse for the Tour of Georgia, a bunch of also-rans finished on the podium. If names like Brajkovic and Vandevelde meant nothing to you before the ToG, well, that's probably still the case. The only entertainment was seeing Levi Leipheimer peak too early for le Tour by months instead of weeks. Somebody should have told him that Ivan Basso might be a proved a doper and not be racing by July.

Win a Date with Mr. 60

Whose legs are these? Leave any and all guesses in the comments section.

Is This The Face of HGH?

Probs not, but we like to think so.

Bruyneel: Belgian, Tacky

Johan Bruyneel was caught speeding during stage three of the Tour of Georgia. According to cyclingnews.com, Bruyneel was driving in excess of 90 miles per hour (150 km/h) and is now prohibited from driving the team car during stage five. Although Johan was probably speeding to catch the breakaway group which went on to finish 29 minutes ahead of the peloton, we here at Cycopaths like to think he was rushing back to his hotel to see fellow Belgian Jean Claude Van Damme's boner dance.

VDB: The Comeback

Cycling's unintentional Lenny Bruce, Frank Vandenbroucke, will return to racing this week, in the Giro d'Abruzzo. "I have a good plan," said the Belgian, who now rides for Acqua & Sapone.

By that he means he'll ride to the first feed zone, climb aboard his imaginary Gryphon, and eat brownie mix as they fly high above Flanders.

The wings, they flap like this.

Dead is Better

Some philosophers (notably utilitarians) have argued that lying is not prohibited in certain circumstances, such as when telling a lie will save an innocent life. Some philosophers have also argued that paternalistic lying, or lying for the good of those lied to, is justified, even if it violates their autonomy.
And then there is Tyler Hamilton.

He is the Epimenides paradox incarnate.

"All Cretans are liars," said Epimenides the Cretan.

"I don't know this guy [Spanish doctor Eufemiano Fuentes]. I've never met this guy. If somebody has a question, please ask me. Sure they've sent my name out to the press and I've basically gotten railroaded. But they haven't asked for my hair. If you want my hair, take it." said Tyler.

Oh, well, that pretty much clears it up all up, right? Thank you for your honesty, Tyler.
Ah, but wait. He somehow fails to mention this:


Right. The receipt for doping treatments and supplies from Dr. Fuentes to his wife, Haven.

If Tyler didn't dope, and Haven is spending 40,000 Euro on doping products then what's going on?

This could mean one only thing:

They are going to raise Tugboat from the dead and nurse him back to health.

All the Cycopaths can say is: don't do it, Tyler.
Animals who have been resurrected in this fashion are never the same.

Speaking of liars, Floyd and Tyler share the same lawyer: Howard Jacobs.

We miss him too, Tyler.

Georgia Legislature: Mathematicians

Politicians from the southern US aren't really known for their cultural sophistication, right Trick Daddy? So the recent news concerning the Tour of Georgia shouldn't really surprise us, yet it does. Despite the fact that the 2006 Tour of Georgia had $26M of direct economic impact for the state of Georgia, the Georgia Legislature can't find $800,000 for the Tour. Maybe a 3250% return isn't good enough for them, but just because TommyD is the race favorite is no reason to shortchange it.

Trick love the Zipps.

Wake me up for Amstel Gold

This year's Paris-Roubaix was boring, as Paris-Roubaix's tend to go. No rain, no mud, no Roger DeVlaeminck. Yes, the first Australian on the podium and best Spanish finish since the 1950s are Good Things for Cycling(TM), but the race lacked drama, unless of course you consider the main favorites sucking Tom Boonen's wheel drama. This week in racing is looking pretty bleak too until the Amstel Gold Race, seeing as the most engaging thing about following the Tour of Georgia is waiting for another big sponsor to pull out.

Boonen Loses Roo-Bay, Too

The freckled Aussie menace, Stuart O'Grady, fought through the heat and dust to win today's Paris-Roubaix.
And Tom Boonen did not.

Tom, bitting the dust.

Platogrande: Sucker

We are shocked by Platogrande's take on the Floyd Landis fiasco.

We knew he was finishing up his docotoral thesis at an Ivy League university, but we didn't know it was in sucker studies.

Why not acquiesce to Floyd's request that the samples be tested at the UCLA lab, you ask?

Because the lab can't do it, fan boy.

From cyclingnews.com:

Former UCLA head Don Catlin, who recently stepped down, said that the laboratory could not provide what Landis was hoping for, anyway. "We couldn't do (the tests)," he said. "It was very clear and the reason we couldn't do them is that we had one instrument, and it was down." The particular test method needed is an instrument able to perform 'IRMS' testing to show evidence of exogenous testosterone.

Furthermore, Catlin said that the laboratory of Chatenay Malabry was bound to the same procedure standards than UCLA. "A WADA lab is a WADA lab," he continued. "I know they're card-carrying, full-fledged members of the (World Anti-Doping Agency) system. WADA holds everyone to standards. They do that with an iron club."

Anyway, the whole reason Flandis is even getting a second test done is to see how the lab reached it's decision in the first place.
"The Panel’s expert will identify if there are flaws in the testing equipment. That expert will determine if the methodologies are flawed," it said in the ruling.

Flandis does not want the sample tested because it contains exogenous testosterone and it will finally put an end to his charade.

Until then he is doing irreparable damage to cycling's image.

And he's a scumbag for doing so.

Plato, you're Rainbow Brite on this one.

USADA be hatin', tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

In a stunning show of hypocrisy, USADA is demanding that that Floyd Landis' negative urine samples from le Tour '06 be retested. By the same lab that French @#$%ed up in the first place. The same lab that has a disturbing history of testing errors.

We here at Cycopaths universally condemn dopers, but we don't always agree on who is a doper. Tyler? Posterboy. Mancebo? Retired-then-not, what do you think? Jan? We know the story there. On Floyd's case, however, there is no meeting of minds; indeed, there is a decided difference of opinion.

Some fans of cycling, this reporter among them, are able to distinguish between "guilty", "not guilty" and "innocent". Is anyone in the pro peloton truly innocent? We will never know. Floyd appears to fall into the "not guilty" category, a victim of angry little men in suits. The comical inconsistencies in the testing of Floyd's samples, with the equally ridiculous insistence, flying in the face of reason and scientific convention, on unblinded re-testing by a suspect lab smacks of saving face by rigging results. Why not acquiesce to Floyd's request that the samples be tested at the UCLA lab too? Do USADA, WADA and their posse think Floyd's got some pull there?

Tell me again why we trust the dope testers any more than the peloton.

Kemmelberg: That Sketchy?

Since no other races compare the Belgian classics, then it follows that there are no other crashes like those on the Flemish cobbles. A mass pile up in le Tour is terrible, but one during Gent-Wevelgem? Spectacular!

In fact, wednesday's spill on the Kemmelberg was so severe that more than a few cycling luminaries are calling for its removal.

Mr. 60 wonders: how bad could it be?

To the evidence!

It seems that it all started when a water bottle came loose on the high speed cobbled descent (Tony Cruz,' probs- ed.) and a rider swearved to avoid it.

Everybody who is anybody began hitting the cobbles on Wednesday! Matthew Wilson sprained his wrist, American Tyler Farrar (Cofidis) fell and broke his kneecap, Matthew Wilson sprained his wrist, Milram's Alessandro Petacchi and Fabio Sacchi both suffered contusions, Marco Velo broke two ribs and injured his knee and collarbone, Wilfried Cretskens (Quick.Step) suffered a deep cut to his right arm, im de Vocht (Predictor) broke his thumb, and Heinrich Haussler (Gerolsteiner) bruised his shoulder, elbow and knee. Perhaps the most beautiful of all was Frenchman Jimmy Caspar who boke his fall with his eye socket. Good one Jimmy! We didn't learn that in Judo.

Well, Mr 60 for one belives that there is no place in the pro peloton for danger. Sylvain Chavanel's tattoo is bad enough. You're officially on notice, UCI. In the meantime, the Cycopaths recommend Bushwick Bill's Guide to Crashing.

Not too soft.

Tony Cruz: By Any Means Neccesary

"I have a free role, so I will go for it. I will try to be in good position and make the selection."
That's Discovery Channel's Tony Cruz speaking before Gent-Wevelgem on Wednesday. He said some other stuff but we've decided to cut him off.

Isn't this the guy who clipped the wheel of teammate George Hincapie during the Tour of California? The man responsible for forcing George to miss his beloved Belgian classics?
Yep, he makes Tonya Harding look classy.

George is home in Girona nursing his wrist and making crepes with his wife, while Tony's in Beligium making little use of George's spot. And how did Tony do? He missed the selection, finishing the race in the third group, 5'02" back.

Nice ride, Brutus.

Ullrich lashes out at Cycopaths

Der Kaiser apparently is not happy with how he's been portrayed in the news media of late, saying, "In the past few months, certain media outlets have not reported objectively on me. These sometimes manipulated media reports are purposely destroying my reputation." We all know who he's talking about.

EPO: The Renaissance

Shire Plc, the U.K.'s third-largest drug maker, last week started selling epoetin delta under the Dynepo brand in Germany and said it expects to begin marketing in other European countries in the coming months.
Epoetin delta is made from human cells.
Previous derivatives of erythropoietin, known to Cycopaths fans as EPO, came from animals such as hamsters and showed up in urine testing because they differ from naturally produced human cells.
Will Dynepo be the answer to our doping dreams?

Jan, on the inside.

Boonen: Splainin' To Do

What happened to Boonen during Flanders?

The press is reporting that he crashed heavily and hurt his wrist. It's being said that he was badly hurt and couldn't put any pressure on the arm afterwards. This could begin to explain his poor performance, (12th-ed.) but only if he were anybody else.

Staf Scheirlinckx? Wow buddy! Super nice ride!

Whats that, Björn Leukemans? Your hurt your wittle wist? And still came in twelfth? Bravo!

But Tom Mother Fucking Boonen? Come on man! You're supposed brush that shit off.

You're supposed to be able to have a horrific crash, one where you land on your two front teeth, lose a few fingers in the spokes, proceed to brush yourself off, jump back on the bike, rip off the injured arm, hit Leif Hoste across the face with it a few times, fix your hair and go on to attack on the Paterberg. And then win.

So, what really happened to Tom? We welcome reader explanations below.

This article has nothing to do with boxing, Frank.

Karma's a b*tch too

My colleague, Mr. 60%, is too generous in feeling any pity for Lief "eternal second" Hoste. Call me a fan of a hometown boy, but the memory of Hoste screwing team and teammate in last year's Ronde Van V still stings. Indeed, the home of this reporter was a scene of celebration when Balan pipped Hoste at the line today.

Platogrande celebrate's Hoste richly deserved defeat.

Fans may remember that Team Discovery had an excellent tactical position in the 2006 edition of the Tour of Fladers-es with two riders in the selection of the day, Lief Hoste and none other than our fellow New Yorker George Hincapie. Rather than play it smart, Hoste pathetically grasped at personal glory by taking race favorite Tom Boonen with him on a breakaway, leaving the stronger Hincapie frustrated and bound by honor, unable to attack. Well Lief, it looks like fate isn't done biting you in the ass and I'm looking forward to see how you lose again next year.

Is this the face of a champion? I think not.

Hoste, Boonen lose Flanders

Bonus Schadenfreude Edition!

Leif could use a hug.

The Tour of Flanders lived up to its hype today, and I say this sincerely and without snark: what a beautiful race it was!

Alessandro Ballan has arrived. His attack on the Muur of Geraardsbergen shelled Boonen so completely that the Belgian was not seen for the rest of the race. He went on to finish out of the top ten.
The only rider able to follow the wiry Italian was last year's runner up, Leif Hoste. They worked well together and the duo made to the finish ten seconds ahead of the chase group.
Wisely, Hoste got on Ballan's wheel and forced the Italian to lead out the final kilometre. It looked like curtains for Alessanro's chances. At 150 metres, Hoste opened up his sprint on Ballan's left, thinking he had enough to hold it to the line. But Ballan managed to summon a fraction more strength and came around Hoste in the final ten metres to steal the glory. Hoste committed cycling's unenviable act of premature ejaculation: he started his sprint too early.

The last kilometre was crazy," said Ballan upon winning "I still don't believe that I did it!"

And neither could Hoste.

A Belgian TV crew approached him moments before the podium presentation, and poor Leif just about broke down crying. He was a shattered man.
Mr 60 almost felt sorry for him. He looked like a little boy blaming himself for his his parent's divorce. We wanted to give him a vanilla cupcake, a hug, and remind him that he did his best.

See? Mr 60 does have something that could pass for a heart.

As soon as we saw him climb onto the podium, though, our potential sympathy was gone. Leif was anything but graceful in defeat. He didn't even bother to hold up his bouquet of flowers. Suddenly, we found ourselves thinking: ha ha.

We recommend reading this before Roubaix.

I'd be disappointed too if I looked like Lou Reed.

Doping, natch.

The inaugural U.S. Open Cycling Championships was held today in Richmond, Virginia. Don't worry if you've never heard of it, Mr. 60 hadn't either.

They race organizers managed to attract NBC, which aired the last two hours of the race. This is called instant legitimacy.

Never mind that holding this race the day before the Tour of Flanders is like comparing the love scene in "The Lady and The Tramp" to the Bukkake finale in "The DaVinci Load". By the way, that last title is totally NSFW. Completely. Unless of course it is SFW, in which case, right on!

Anyway, the race was won by Svein Tuft of the Symmetrics Pro (!?!) Cycling Team. In so doing, he beat out all of the top domestic squads including Toyota-United, Health Net, and Navigators.

Who is Mr. Tuft?

The portly Mr. Tuft.

We've never heard of him nor his team, and we doubt you have either.
We'd like to think that this is a miracle story. Mr. 60 would love to report that this 80 kg. rider has just scored the win of his life through hard work and dedication. But he's been racing since 1999 and his biggest road race win to date is the 2004 Yaletown Grand Prix, in Vancouver, BC. Wait. He won the what? The where? Exactly. We're going to go ahead and file this one as probs doping: Svein Tuft.

Who's first?

Tour of Flanders-es: Better than Sex, Drugs?

The Cycopaths usually rest on weekends, but tomorrow holds the greatest one day race in the world.
Mr 60 has kicked the girls out of bed early and already paged his dealer, so stay tuned for the latest from the 91st Ronde van Vlaanderen.
We suggest you go elsewhere for a great preview. Try nyvelocity.com for handsome Dan Schmalz' "Ronde von Danderen."
He picks Boonen
Mr. 60's pick?
We'll tell you later.
Rico's here.

Hold up. Rico's around the corner.

VDB: Aquitted, Nuts

It is with great pleasure that we announce that Cycopaths favorite, the Bobby Brown of Belgian Cycling, Frank Vandenbrouke has been acquitted of doping offences by a Belgian court of appeal. They ruled that the one-day specialist had already been punished with a sporting suspension.
"He was acquitted on the basis that you cannot be punished for the same offence twice," a prosecution spokesman said.

While Mr. 60 applauds the court's decision, we can't help but question the rationale for it. Although VDB served a six month suspension from the sport in 2002, that's not really a punishment. It's like forbidding a paraplegic from delivering pizza.

The real reason for this is acquittal is that the courts realized that they could do nothing to Frank that Frank hasn't already done to himself. In that delicate little mind of his, among the cow bells and unicorns, Frank thinks he's from Atlantis and that every weekend he swims among us to look after his chipmunks.

Anyway, the courts knew better than to pick on VDB. It's like bullying a mentally challenged child. Sure you make him cry, but so does the scary dog at the supermarket.

Look at me when I'm talking to you, Frank.

This Week In Stomach Ailments: Gastroenteritis

It was announced today that cycling's own flying monkey, Robbie McEwen, will not take part in Sunday's Tour of Flanders after suffering from gastroenteritis at the Three Days of De Panne.

This got us thinking: Just what is this mysterious Gastroenteritis? Could Robbie have contacted this dreaded ailment from his son, the unfortunately named Ewen McEwen?

Mr. 60 investigates.

Gastroenteritis is a general term referring to inflammation or infection of the gastrointestinal tract, primarily the stomach and intestines. It can be caused by infection with bacteria, viruses, or other parasites, or less commonly reactions to new foods or medications. Many times it involves stomach pain (sometimes to the point of crippling), diarrhea and/or vomiting, with noninflammatory infection of the upper small bowel, or inflammatory infections of the colon.

Wow! So it's the argy bargy of the colon! Maybe sprinters aren't so tough after all.

In Australia they bury it in the sand.

Deconstructing Jan

The Cycopaths proudly present the world's best coverage of Jan Ullrich, despite our lack of access, discretion, ethics, class, and shame. Meanwhile, the hometown media is busy casting aspersions on their once-beloved hero. Ullrich seemingly has nowhere to go, but we at Cycopaths believe he has a future in yellow journalism if not yellow jerseys, so Jan, we hereby extend to you an invitation to join the Cycopaths staff.

Cycopaths Ullrich coverage:

• Breaking news: DNA's a b*tch
• Jan = Jan; World Shocked
• Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling
• The Writing on the Wall is in Blood
  

The Writing on the Wall is in Blood

"Today I'm ending my career as a professional cyclist,"
- Jan Ullrich, February 26, 2007

Ah, Ulle, you knew the jig was up, it seems. While some us refused to believe that the reign of Der Kaiser as second (or fourth) fiddle was not at an end, there can surely be no doubt now. Even this optimistic, some say naive reporter has trouble believing that this dope test was "rigged", as the party line goes.

I concur with my colleague, Mr 60%, that our beloved sport of cycling is at fault more than any individual. Still, we must question why some individuals take the fall for the entire sport. Remember how Paco Mancebo retired then unretired? Why isn't his DNA being tested, we wonder. Bad luck for Ulle, or perhaps stupidity, as suggested by an avid Cycopaths reader:

Well, you do have to wonder what kind of chapucero would use a double-secret codename like "Jan". Who would have thought that it was really the Kaiser's blood? Nicely done, Eufemiano.

Given that, it does seem kind of smart of Lance to go with a guy who knows how to hide the bodies... err... blood bags.

And what of Ivan Basso, and his dog Birrillo? My theory? Birrillo disguised himself and played the part of lookout man dog.

Pardon Jan; Indict Cycling.

Every man has a right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out of the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? Has such a crime ever been laid to the charge of him who perished in a storm because, when he went on board, he knew of the danger.

JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU, The Social Contract