Don't call it a comeback

Yes, the Cycopaths are back. And when I say "Cycopaths", I mean platogrande. And when I say back I mean "for now". You may be wondering what happened to us? Were platogrande's Catalan origins discovered while in Madrid, leading to months of torture in a cellar under la Puerta del Sol? Was Mr. 60 rubbed-out by an elite Team CSC tactical unit? (as a team-building exercise, of course).

Alas, the truth is not as interesting. Yours truly, platogrande has been busy riding (some cycling bloggers really do ride) and working long hours. Mr. 60? What's been keeping him away? Well, we Cycopaths believe a picture is worth a thousand words:

She only comes out at night

As for the promised ContaCoverage from Madrid, here, only four months late revealed for the first time, are the Cycopaths' exclusive photos from ContaCraziness in Madrid at the end of the '07 TdF.

Contador was everywhere, in the newspapers...

on the TV,

and even in the water supply!



But nowhere was there a hint of the doping allegations heard everywhere else in the world. Madrid was thrilled to have a local product win a prestigious event such as "el Tour". The funny thing was how everyone, right down the mayor, called a "Madridleño". The guy is from Pinto, not Mardid. Saying he's from Madrid is like saying Mary J Blige is a New Yorker because she's from Yonkers. I can't blame the folks from Pinto for being excited, though, and excited and dorky they were:

Months later, though, the question still remains: did Cadel lose to a doper?

Is there a hint of guilt in that smirk?

T-Mobile hangs-up

No more Euros for you, foo'!

T-Mobile today said to cycling today, "we r thru". Yes, the multinational megatelco that shrugged off Sergui Gonchar (or is it Honchar?) and Jan Ullrich doping scandals apparently found young Patrick Sinkewitz' transgressions to be too much. The question that remains is, was it the EPO or the testo that did it? Seriously, if Sinkewitz had only done one or the other, but not both, would have that been enough to save the sponsorship?

We may never know the answer. Speculation may begin, though, on what the new team kits will be like. Perhaps they plan to borrow Unibet's kit while they court a new clueless title sponsor.

Linus Gerdemann would make this look good

Word has it that the squad will race as "Team High Road", with the team named after the management company that operates it. Is this an indication of a plan to operate "dope-free" like the American "Team Slipstream"? Cycopaths' intrepid European correspondent, Old Dirty Sprinter has evidence that supports this theory, having obtained exclusive photographs of what is believed to be the teams new emblem:

In a madmam's dream...

Cadel still isn't going to win

It has been suggested on these very pages that perhaps I don't like Australians. That's not true, at all. However, I admit to being pleased to see Cadel Evans doing his thing: hanging around but not winning anything (unless, of course, Vino is formally stripped of his TT win for being a doper). Why does the sight of Cadel admirably hanging on then getting dropped like a bad habit make me feel warm and fuzzy? It must be because I know he won't win. All signs, in fact, point to Cadel finishing second or third in Paris. By his own admission, the last TT doesn't suit his characteristics, so too bad, maybe next time, Cadel! In fact, the Cycopaths are so confident, that we plan to give live or near live on-the-ground coverage of what is no doubt going to be a jubilant celebration in Madrid. That's right, this reporter has packed his folding bike and is off to Alberto Contador's hometown. If you're wondering where my lazy colleague Mr. 60% has gone, he's been busy commenting on other blogs.

Deutschland Uber Doping

Today's "oh snap" moments come to us courtesy of T-Mobile's Patrick Sinkewitz. Not only did the former Tour of Germany winner put a 78 year old Tour fan into a coma with his teeth (how does that happen?), but now reports are coming out that he's just like everybody else a doper. That's right, another positive testosterone test. The result? German TV is done with le Tour. Never mind the fact that the positive test was taken during a training camp. Sure it was shortly before this year's Tour, but what next? Can we assume that if news comes out that the East German Olympians doped back in the day (shocking!) that Beijing '08 is off the sched too? I hope our readers in Germany get Eurosport!

VDB: Patron Saint of Teh Cycopaths

What's that, Bill? Here. Let me roll that for you.

Nothing concerning VDB surprises us anymore. Really!
The latest controversy surrounding cycling's own Lindsay Lohan (skinnier, more Belgian) are reports that he has run away with a married woman from Deinze, Belgium and her 22 month-old child to Normandy.
Of course he did! Not mentioned in any news report is that Frank is under the impression that he's on tour with Funkadelic's George Clinton and Ghetto Boys' Bushwick Bill.

Cycopaths: Talented, Famous

This is where you go to meet the Cycopaths

If you've ever had doubts about the popularity of the Cycopaths, put them away, because we're but one step short of having to fight-off the paparazzi. You know you're famous when a random person on the subway has read your blog. That's right, while I was taking the subway instead of riding the new carbon fiber Platogrande-mobile in the pouring rain, an admirer of the fiber weave of the Scott CR1 in my clutches -- obviously a fellow with excellent taste in bikes and blogs -- enthusiastically said when told about cycopaths.net, "Yeah, I've read that blog before." Can Oscar party invites and rehab be far behind?

Mr. 49%? I hope not.

Fabulous Fabian Cancellara's win in yesterday's Stage 3 of le Tour was absolutely thrilling. Well, until about five seconds after he crossed the line, when I remembered which team he is on and who runs that team. Any fan who is not skeptical these days of any fantastic race results is a fool. The greater fool still is the fan who denies that when the master puppeteer, Bjarne "Mr 60%" Riis is pulling the strings, "probs doping" is the operative phrase.

Tyler and Ivan both suddenly went from really strong to insanely strong. Let's not forget Bobby J's resurgence either, though Jullich's never been found to be a doper. Are we to believe all this is due to some glorified paintball boot camp? Even this generally optimistic and positive reporter knows that CSC's military-style team-building exercises do not make anyone ride faster.

Fabian, your ride was amazing and I, for one, admire your panache and your enthusiasm for our sport, but fear the worst. My vocabulary is not colorful enough to speak for my degenerate colleague Mr. 60, but he no doubt thinks you're a shameless ****ing doper.

Boonen: Belgian, Classy, Pretty

Tom Boonen has long been a source of inspiration here at Cycopaths HQ. Aside from being a beast on the bike, he shares other great qualities with your humble authors: class, charm and devastating good looks. It is especially his classiness that distinguishes him from the likes of the father of Ewan McEwen.

McEwen is like the hot girlfriend you can't dump because she's, well, so hot. He's ridiculously fast and as seen on Sunday, a true hardman of the peloton, but he's also destructive and a real ass when things don't go well for him. To wit, at the end of yesterday's stage, the contrast between Robbie "Headbutt" McEwen and our man Torpedo Tom was evident: Boonen was graciously trying to get out of the way so the press could mob his victorious teammate Steegmans, while the quick little troll from Down Under was seen angrily shoving said press corps out of his nowhere-near-victory way. A picture says a thousand words I always say, so somebody send us a screencap of Robbie doing the shoving and we'll put your name in lights!

Tour Preview!

Is this the face of a champion?

On the eve of the 2007 Tour de France, Cycopaths readers are no doubt wondering what we think will come of this Tour. Well, aside from another doping scandal, natch. While I won't tell you who will win, I'll tell you who won't, and that's Cadel Evans. How is this guy ever considered one of the favorites? He's won exactly one race since 2004 [A Tour of Romandie 2006 stage, Ed.]. At least we can be pretty sure he's not a doper, though, and you never know who will be left standing when the (dope) smoke clears. Perhaps Cadel can win this Tour eleven years from now like Indurain.

Indurain won six Tours

One more finger, Miguel.

As we, the Cycopaths prepare our 2007 Tour de France previews, I find myself reflecting on the 1996 Tour. I still believe that our hero, Miguel Indurain, had he not cracked because of Bjarne "Mr. 60%" Riis' attacks, would have controlled the race and won. However, recent developments have led me to the conclusion that he is the real winner anyway, despite his "11th" placing. On to the investigation!

Consider the GC of the '96 Tour. The top three had more EPO in them than a whole ward of recovering cancer patients. Laurent Dufaux, Festina, need I say more? Luc Leblanc we know was a doper -- just read between the lines of Graeme Obree's book about the time he kindasortamaybe went pro with le Groupement. Ugrumov was Raimundas Rumsas before Rumsas himself, i.e. doping for sure. Olano? Known doper. Escartin, well, not sure there but I'm sure we can dig something up. Rominger, look at his hour record numbers and try to tell me he didn't have track marks between his toes. That leaves only Peter Luttenberger ahead of Indurain, and nobody's ever heard of him since so he too was probably on something (inconsistency is the hallmark of the doper!).

So there you have it, we now know why Lance went for number seven: the "top ten" of the '96 Tour should have been DQ'd, and Indurain awarded his sixth victory. ¡Aupa!

Ale-Jet Grounded

Readers of Cycopaths are no doubt wondering about the recent slackness of posting. The truth is, we're overwhelmed by the flow of cycling doping news streaming in from Europe. Among the latest shocking (?) news is that Alessandro "Ale-Jet" Petacchi is under investigation for doping, and thereby suspended by his team (they're just following orders, you know). Worse still for Ale-Jet is that he has been formally accused of doping by his home country and consequently is out of this year's Tour de France.

Truth be told, the only truly surprising news these days in the world of cycling is when someone is declared to not be a doper by someone other than the cyclist himself. Do I believe that Petacchi is a doper? Well, yes, if taking a few too many pulls on an inhaler qualifies as doping. I guess I should be careful with those double-shots of Flonase before my next brevet.

Doping is a huge problem in cyling, no doubt. Unfortunately, though, rather than do things The Right Way(TM), doper-catchers seem to in competition with the dopers themselves to see who can destroy our beloved sport first. If it's not Dick Pounder, it's French LNDD, or in this case, the Italian Olympic Committee. Why can't they focus on real dopers?

Di Luca: Doper, Bard

We here at Teh Cycopaths contend that there is more to life that just bike racing news.There's also unintentional poetry to be found in said news! From a recent cyclingnews piece:

need to inject Erythropoietin
immediately
since,
at the time,
the drug was only detectable for a few days.
You have to pass by.
You have to hurry
because you need to do it today,
said the doctor.
Di Luca responded

Simoni was wrong

Nice try, Gibo, he's no alien

Apparently Ivan Basso is in fact human, not an extraterrestrial. Well, that is if you believe Basso:

"Since I confessed my errors I have started to feel better with myself and towards my family. It is true that I deceived for one year because I was afraid of being uncovered, but it is human to make mistakes."

His elusive dog, Birrillo, on the other hand, is known to have contact with extraterrestrials. We at Cycopaths believe a picture is worth a thousand words:

So there you have it. Birrillo remains at large because he's on another planet. I'll bet he and VDB see each other on weekends for unicorn rides across the Martian countryside.

New Jersey hates cycling, common sense

Apparently New Jersey thinks that quick-release wheels are a big problem. So big, that it's more important for lawmakers to ban them than to, say, pay attention to mathematics education or crime (unless of course you consider making it more difficult to steal wheels to be crime-fighting).

BUT IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN!!!

How children are being harmed by quick-release wheels is unclear. What is totally clear is that politicians have no @#$%ing clue, more so than usual, when bicycles are the issue. Cyclist killed on 9W [major cycling route out of NYC -Ed.]? Ban bikes from riding there! Children need saving from QR wheels? Ban them! (the wheels, not the children, though that may not be far behind -- can't be harmed if they're banned, right? it just makes sense). In any case, we recommend the Welsh "harness of oranges" as a safety device:

Anything for the children

The 80s called: they want their panache back

In today's Dauphiné Libéré, Christophe "The Tongue" Moreau showed us all how it's done. At 36 year old, "le chien" still has it, winning the stage the old fashioned way, riding the hardest. For possibly the first time ever, I find myself admiring old Cristophe. Until now, I've always thought of him as well, downright annoying. Maybe it's the pathetic attempts at growing a beard. Maybe it's the tongue? Physical defects aside, let us not forget the Festina connection (leaving the fact that he's French out of it -- what is with the French and doping-scandal-tainted riders becoming national heroes?). Despite it all, Moreau made me feel warm and fuzzy today. There's nothing like a guy dragging a break across the countryside and still winning the race. Way to go, old man!

Speaking of the DL, was I not right about Levi Leipheimer? Even he admits now that he peaks too early. Here's what the American pseudo-stage-racer had to say about last year's poor timing:

"I really wanted to win the Dauphiné because I grew up with this race when I heard of Greg LeMond going for it. I thought it was really nice to put my name in the record books but I might have missed some strength because of that at the Tour. This time, I'm hoping to have delayed my peak form a little bit."

Remember, you heard it here first. Staying on the topic of talented Americans with unfulfilled potential, it's been pretty clear that Tom Danielson doesn't have the stomach for the big races (really!), dropping out with yet another spot of digestive distress. Good luck making the Tour squad, Tommy!

Platogrande for President?

Watching the presidential debates, my better half suggested that maybe I should run for President. Presumptuous? I think not. Let's check the facts. Charm and wit? Check! Devastating good looks? Check! Intelligent opinions on everything? Check! What else is there? Ah, yes, a running mate. An obvious choice would be my colleague, Mr. 60%, but I figured I'd be more electable with someone more famous, someone recognizable across the world, not just in the US. I hit upon Lance Armstrong. It seemed like a great idea, a Platogrande/Armstrong ticket, but then I realized that I'm not quite old enough and, more importantly, Lance would probably have me assassinated to gain the Presidency for himself. If a bloody weapon was seen being tossed into a dumpster from Lance's presidential motorcade, the new White House Chief of Staff Johan Bruyneel (is he even a US citizen?) would somehow explain it away. No, my friends, running for President would be too risky so I'll stick to blogging for now.

I want my, I want my EPO

Dear readers, I tell you, la EPO must be a helluva drug. Not that I've ever tried it, but now I understand why Lance used to sleep in an altitude tent and why so many pros do, umm, training camps in Mexico. Hiking across the Grand Canyon these last few days with a big backpack was like altitude, resistance, and cross training all rolled into one. Maybe it's my imagination, but after some time at 8000+ feet, deep breaths seem a little deeper, the next cog seems a little closer... indeed, this morning your humble servant Platogrande was seen flying up the Williamsburg Bridge on his daily commute, leaving behind hipsters and Hassidim alike. Never mind that Dominican fixie rider who dropped me like a bad habit ("on your left, papi!"). Now where'd that stupid needle go?

Child Leads Best Young Rider Classification

Seriously now, how old is Andy Schleck, anyway? 13? 14, tops.
And he's the revelation of this year's Giro.
He's riding so strong that he even made 'The Killer' turn pussy:
"I'm particularly afraid of Schleck," said Danilo Di Luca "We don't know him."
Wow, huh?
When Mr. 60 was fourteen he wasn't leading a major classification in an international stage race, he was doing what normal 14 year olds do: leading a crew of Dominican stick up kids at the Brooklyn House of Detention.
You know how we do in BK. I'll fucking shank you just for clicking on a link, word is bond.

French going soft?

Cycopaths' Italian correspondent, Ghost Face Climber, has checked in with the following special report on Mickael Buffaz' escape in yesterday's Giro stage (previously covered by Mr. 60%):
Perhaps not accustomed to a Frenchman leading a race, Mickael Buffaz suffered a mental breakdown when faced with the reality of being five minutes up on the peloton.  Buffaz was seen crying by the side of the road, saying "OMGWTF now everyone will see how big my ass is!".  The peloton, unfazed by Buffaz' internationally televised posterior, caught the embarrassed Frenchman before Italian TV was able to locate Sir Mix-a-Lot for a phone interview.

Don't cry for me, Cofidis-ina

In yesterday's Giro stage, young Frenchmen Mickael Buffaz inadvertently found himself ahead of the peloton by five minutes. He'd gone for an intermediate sprint at the same time that the group decided to sit up and take it easy.So what did the enterprising young man do? Did he realize his once in a lifetime opportunity? Did he put his head down and head for certain glory at the finish line? Ha! He's French, remember? He pulled over to the side of the road and cried in team manager Eric Boyer's arms."He cracked emotionally," explained Boyer."He didn't know what he had to do. This is his first Grand Tour and hewas afraid that his move would be badly interpreted." Buffaz wascaught after 147 kilometers off the front, and he's the new leader ofthe "Fuga Gilera" trophy, which is based on the number of kilometerscovered in breakaways.Alert Velo Magazine! Richard Virenque's successor has been found!

Faces of T-Meth

Another day, another doping scandal for T-Mobile. This one concerns Bert Dietz, a rider for the squad from 1994 to 1998, and his claims that he received a variety of drugs from team doctors, including growth hormones, anabolics, cortisone, and EPO. His confession follows those of Christian Henn, soigner Jeff D'Hont, along with team doctors Andreas Schmid and Lothar Heinrich.

Sounds like they had quite a party back in the day. Had Mr. 60 been on that team would he have won a grand tour? Probs not. Every time I went on a drug binge, I woke up in Burbank getting peed on by R. Kelly.

And what of Jan's positive amphetamine test back in 2002? Did the team hold tweaker parties in Berlin? Did Kraftwek spin at those events? Sparse German Techno and Speed go well together, obvs. I'm working my way through the Faces of Meth archive. I'll let you know as soon as I find Jan.

Too legit to quit

Can't touch this

That's Doctor Platogrande to you. Indeed, the Cycopaths are back with some serious street cred, joining the ranks of cycling's intellectual elite. A PhD does that. Not like I'm going to let it get to my head or anything.

But on to the news. DiLuca is in pink, but still has no class. Mr. 60's man-crush, Iban Mayo, is looking good in the Giro too. Basso is taking the fall for his doping dog, Birrillo. The Flandis anti-doping case has taken one bizarre turn after another, and even "Rainbow Brite" is now having doubts about Floyd. Incredibly, Oleg Tinkoff is having second-thoughts himself, but about hiring a squad of Doping All-Stars to bear his name on their cycling kits (and apparently has a thing for Russian boys). Looks like we're back just in time to break it down for you.

Touched by an Uncle

We're back! Hoo-ray!
What's that you ask? Where are the changes we promised?
Uh, we made all of that up. Of course we did! Ha! We're pretty wacky here at Cycopaths HQ.
Before you go back to your porn sites, I'd like to stress that the Cycopaths took their hiatus out of necessity. Platogrande and I set out to answer one of life's fundamental questions: are there more important things in life than this blog. (maybe!)
Platogrande used his free time to graduate with a doctorate in philosophy from a prestigious Ivy League (!) University in NYC.
No, really.
We here at Cycopaths are very proud.
That brings the total number of Cycopaths bloggers with PhD's to two, and by two I mean one.
Mr. 60% used his free time to focus on his amateur bike racing career. Too bad they don't give degrees for getting dropped. I'd be a Nobel Laureate! Yay!
In any case, the cycling world has been quiet and scandal free as of late (Item! What's this we hear about Landis testing positive at the Tour?) but we're ready to cover it as soon as it picks up.
Also, what is Danilo DiLuca doing interviewing Greg Lemond in California? Isn't he leading a race somewhere in Europe (Tirreno-Adriatico)? Is it even legal to be so handsome?
With so many questions, it looks like we got back just in time!

Brief Hiatus

Please excuse our appearance. The Cycopaths are in the middle of an upgrade. What are we upgrading? We can't get any classier, but we do have a few surprises in store. You'll have to wait a couple of days to find out.

Good Morning Tommy

Discovery Channel's Tom Danielson has gone and done it again. This time he brings us his own line of coffee beans named, appropriately, The Tom Danielson Coffee Blends. With special blends Brasstown Bald, Madone, and Mt. Evans, there is a roast for every taste.

Well, almost.

We're holding out for Over-Hyped Goofy Motherfucker Mocha. We hear the aftertaste fails to live up to its potential, though.

To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

On the heels of the latest allegations against The Frieburg University Clinic by former Team Telekom soigneur Jeff D'Hont that two of its doctors, Lothar Heinrich and Andreas Schmid, provided EPO to former riders Bjarne Riis and Jan Ullrich, comes decisive action.

First, Rudolf Scharping, president of the German cycling federation (BDR) has said he expects the T-Mobile Team (formerly Telekom) to thoroughly investigate the allegations. "The clinic and T-Mobile will clear up the affair," he said.

Well, that settles that!

Secondly, Scharping has announced that all Germans wishing to represent the Fatherland in Olympic competition must now agree to submit a DNA sample.

See? They're serious about ridding our sport of this scourge!

Where, pray tell, will all of these perfect samples of Aryan blood be stored?
At the Frieburg University Clinic, nacth!

Why is there a satanic looking Batman on their seal?

Free Elisa Basso, Maybe

Ivan Basso, last year's Tour of Italy winner and a pre-race favourite for the 2007 Tour de France, quit his Discovery Channel team yesterday claiming that the ongoing Puerto investigations was damaging the team.
The Cycopaths sincerely hope this was a voluntary decision on Ivan's part and that Johan Bruyneel doesn't have Basso's lovely sister, Elisa the weather girl, tied up in closet in West Flanders. Mr. 60 has found himself in similar situations and we can say with a straight face that it's no picnic.

What we find most interesting are Basso's recent comments regarding his situation. He stated yesterday that he is "at peace" with himself ahead of an Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) hearing on doping allegations on Wednesday.

"Whether I'm going to a hearing or not, I'm at peace with my conscience," he added.

Is it just us, or is he beginning to sound more like a man resigned to his fate rather than one fighting to clear his name?

We here at Cycopaths feel terrible for the smiling assassin. Why should he pay such a heavy price for his dog's poor decisions?

It happens to us when we look at her too, Ivan.

Ferengi Wins Fleche?

Click here to find out.

Hinault: Legend, Batshit Crazy

Five-time Tour de France winner and one of Mr. 60's boyhood heroes, Bernard Hinault, had this to say regarding the recent problems between Amaury Sport Organisation (ASO) and the Union Cycliste International (UCI): " The ProTour system just doesn't seem logical to me. Right now it is more important to have a lot of money than having a good team. I'm neutral, but I'm against the ProTour."

Wow. Either Mr. Hinault needs a dictionary, or all that time spent in the sun is catching up to him. We wouldn't be surprised if he followed that up with, "I'm also a peanut, but I like hobbits. No, oranges can't shift into third gear, but those boobies in my mind sure can."

Down goes Platogrande!

Crashing sucks. Just ask Bushwick Bill. I've always wondered what it would be like to crash 25 miles from home and now I know! What does one do? Ride to the nearest pharmacy, do some preliminary wound clean-up, ride home, apply Tegaderm, eat pizza and probably scrap tomorrow's ride. At least I'll get to watch Liège-Bastogne-Liège live.

Wiggins: Balls, Sense

Britain's world and Olympic track champion Bradley Wiggins says he is pleased that Discovery Channel have suspended Ivan Basso and called the team "hypocrites" for signing him in the first place.
"From a rider point of view, I'm delighted," Wiggins told the BBC. "The consensus in my team (Cofidis) is that we don't want any of the guys implicated to line up at the Tour de France."

Agree!

"I don't think we will ever learn the full story about what happened last year with Operacion Puerto and Floyd Landis. Every time something comes up they get a good lawyer and it gets dragged through the courts for years."

Umm, fuck yes, Mr. Wiggins.

Hey Brad, you've bravely spoke out against the doping mafia. How many balls do you have?

Win a Date With Mr. 60: The Winner

We'd grown tired lately of the usual array of drugs, Brazilian bonadage models, hippie strippers, and ex-girlfriends (that pic of my ex is probs NSFW, unless it is, in which case you have a better job than Mr. 60). Honestly, we were beginning to feel more like Mr. 52% when we decided the best way to raise the hematocrit of life would be to hold our contest earlier this week.
Although we were inundated with responses, there can be only one winner. And what a winner it is!
Fellow journalist, friend of the Cycopaths, and preeminent English language expert on Basque cycling, Mr. Magnus has won a date with Mr. 60%.
Before you book that flight from Oslo to New York though, we'd like to offer you an alternative prize: a Brooklyn cycling cap, as worn above by Cycopaths spokes model Mars Blackmon.

So what do you say Magnus? Email us your address for the hat or pack a bottle of Aquavit and we'll pick you up from JFK. The choice is yours.

Jaksche: Rebellious Ideologue, Nuts

Jörg Jaksche has signed a contract with Team Tinkoff. Jaksche says that he has nothing further to fear from anti-doping officials. Mr. 60 examnies what Jorg has to say:

"I have done everything that the UCI has asked."

Agree!

"I was even the only rider who declared himself ready to give a voluntary DNA sample."

True!

"But everything is very unclear. Who knows, what will happen. I have the impression that something has to happen, because certain people have leaned too far out the window."

Agree!

"These people have to figure with legal steps against them, if they have falsely accused riders like Ivan Basso of doping. Our status has fallen from a respected rider to that of a beggar. Someone has to pay for that damage. That's why they are so interested that the investigation reach the results they want."

Word is bond, Jörg!

Hey Jorg, will Ivan Basso ride the Tour?

"He will definitely ride."

Really? Why?

"His sponsors will make sure of that. Nike is Basso's main personal sponsor and an official partner of the Tour."

Er, what?!?

"Versus belongs to Discovery Channel, and as far as I know, has bought the US TV rights to the Tour for the next four years. So theoretically speaking, Basso shouldn't have any problem in France."

Huh? You lost me there there, buddy. So let me get this straight. You're saying there's a conspiracy? Discovery Channel, Nike and THESE GUYS control pro cycling? I have just one question: do they meet at Bohemian Grove?

UCI Headquarters

Another day, another doper?

What, me worry?

I'd like to say that the world of cycling has been rocked by the announcement of Ivan Basso's suspension but then I'd be a liar. After all, his dog is named "Birrillo" and he did come in 16 seconds behind in a Giro stage with Simoni. How could he not be guilty?

I admit, though, to not being entirely convinced. Has anybody checked the name of Davide Rebellin's dog? If it's "Birrillo", there are going to be some very embarrassed anti-doping officials out there. Never mind the fact that Basso's victories in the Giro '06 and Tour of Denmark '05 were ridiculously dominant. Or that his DS was the namesake of my Cycopaths colleague Mr. 60%.

Apparently Italian officials are convinced that there's enough circumstantial evidence to warrant an investigation; blood bags are on the way to Italy at this very moment. DNA whacked Ullrich, why not Basso? But, we ask, when is Basso's dog getting DNA tested? and is that canine master of disguise still at large?

Does this look like a doper to you?

Boredom expected, Tour of Georgia delivers

As if things couldn't get any worse for the Tour of Georgia, a bunch of also-rans finished on the podium. If names like Brajkovic and Vandevelde meant nothing to you before the ToG, well, that's probably still the case. The only entertainment was seeing Levi Leipheimer peak too early for le Tour by months instead of weeks. Somebody should have told him that Ivan Basso might be a proved a doper and not be racing by July.

Win a Date with Mr. 60

Whose legs are these? Leave any and all guesses in the comments section.

Is This The Face of HGH?

Probs not, but we like to think so.

Bruyneel: Belgian, Tacky

Johan Bruyneel was caught speeding during stage three of the Tour of Georgia. According to cyclingnews.com, Bruyneel was driving in excess of 90 miles per hour (150 km/h) and is now prohibited from driving the team car during stage five. Although Johan was probably speeding to catch the breakaway group which went on to finish 29 minutes ahead of the peloton, we here at Cycopaths like to think he was rushing back to his hotel to see fellow Belgian Jean Claude Van Damme's boner dance.

VDB: The Comeback

Cycling's unintentional Lenny Bruce, Frank Vandenbroucke, will return to racing this week, in the Giro d'Abruzzo. "I have a good plan," said the Belgian, who now rides for Acqua & Sapone.

By that he means he'll ride to the first feed zone, climb aboard his imaginary Gryphon, and eat brownie mix as they fly high above Flanders.

The wings, they flap like this.

Dead is Better

Some philosophers (notably utilitarians) have argued that lying is not prohibited in certain circumstances, such as when telling a lie will save an innocent life. Some philosophers have also argued that paternalistic lying, or lying for the good of those lied to, is justified, even if it violates their autonomy.
And then there is Tyler Hamilton.

He is the Epimenides paradox incarnate.

"All Cretans are liars," said Epimenides the Cretan.

"I don't know this guy [Spanish doctor Eufemiano Fuentes]. I've never met this guy. If somebody has a question, please ask me. Sure they've sent my name out to the press and I've basically gotten railroaded. But they haven't asked for my hair. If you want my hair, take it." said Tyler.

Oh, well, that pretty much clears it up all up, right? Thank you for your honesty, Tyler.
Ah, but wait. He somehow fails to mention this:


Right. The receipt for doping treatments and supplies from Dr. Fuentes to his wife, Haven.

If Tyler didn't dope, and Haven is spending 40,000 Euro on doping products then what's going on?

This could mean one only thing:

They are going to raise Tugboat from the dead and nurse him back to health.

All the Cycopaths can say is: don't do it, Tyler.
Animals who have been resurrected in this fashion are never the same.

Speaking of liars, Floyd and Tyler share the same lawyer: Howard Jacobs.

We miss him too, Tyler.